What's that? Speak up. I can't hear you.

I was going through my blog in search for an earlier post. By earlier I mean about a year ago. As much as it had me thinking about the garbage I turned some of my time here on earth into, it also showed me something else: I don't blog even half as much as I used to. And I really enjoy me a little blog time. So what the hell? I think it's because as much as I am alive, I simply don't have as much going on as I am used to. I sort of fell into the grind so to speak and it horrifies me because I would much rather be off on my newest adventure (turned nightmare) to be honest. And maybe I am not charging around full throttle but my brain is still as active as ever. Maybe even more so as it usually goes on overdrive when I am not actively searching out my demise. It's crazy in here. I'm going to try and get back into the things I enjoy. I don't really know what happened. It's like I came back to MA and a part of me screamed and died in the process.

What size are you?

You know it's past the point of no return when you head for the shower and someone casually says "heeeey... check you out... big date tonight?" when we all know there's no big anything tonight. Maybe if they used some kind of reward system I might kick it up a notch but I gotta be honest with you, the homeless look is comfortable enough to be a reward all in itself. So good luck with that.

I ordered these incredibly awesome t-shirts. You know what, before I go on with this let me tell you the history behind these awesome t-shirts... I need some t-shirts and I fucking hate most of the ones being offered at stores. I'm also not the type to spend more than $15 on a t-shirt so we're talking some awful graphics to choose from. If I see one more peace sign made out of hearts I'll scream. So of course I go on a massive online search for the ultimate t-shirt collection. Lo and behold I stumble across Tilteed and they're having a $10 t-shirt sale. Some of them are even $6!

Side note: I just went onto their site and we're not talking about the fucking peace sign t-shirt except to say at least it's made out of decent graphics and not some flower power hippy love bullshit.

Speaking of clothing, what the unholy hell is going on with sizes? I used to be a medium. In everything. Which ended up being a size 8 for skirts and pants. Every time, all day. All of a sudden I am all these crazy sizes and seriously you guys, I haven't changed that much. I am now a large in most but not all shirts. In fact, some of my tank tops are small because the mediums hung off me so badly. Then there are the bottoms. Riddle me this: How the F am I a size 5 small in undies when I am a size large and a half in everything else? Does not compute. Why if the ass fits do I have this giant gap up on the waist but if the waist fits I can barely get my legs through the openings? What the hell is going on out there? Now I don't often shop because of how much I loathe it and I'll be honest with you, this has just about turned me off completely. Pair this with the homeless look being comfortable and you have a recipe for disaster.

Psychotic Girl

Dear Black Keys,

How long were we apart solely due to my ignorance? To long sirs, to long. As much as you might think She's Long Gone, I assure you I am right here handing you my heart because I know you're the best thing for it. It's embarrassing really, the whole mistaken identity thing. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? For real? I honestly have no idea where my head was at. But no more! We're together now and that's what counts! Let's cast off the past discrepancies and forge forward into the beautiful future our life has in store for us. I'll see you tomorrow morning my lovely Keys, and in no time I will be singing you on the top of my lungs.

Until then!

The menace in your fridge

I shouldn't watch the news. It always ends with me freaking the fuck out, frothing at the mouth, screaming about conspiracies and loathing that the general public allows themselves to be brainwashed with such obvious garbage. I watched the news for about 5 minutes a while back. It was about the produce we eat and how it can be covered with all kinds of stuff that is very dangerous. Pictures of "friendly" looking green leafed vegetables flashed across the screen. Wolves in sheep clothing. Suddenly I remember! I ate a cantaloup the other day! Cantaloup is the biggest offender! That's what got this non-organic horror ball rolling! I don't want to die!!

Luckily, I didn't.

I get super tired of hearing about organic this, organic that. I purchase organic grapes and apples because you can't rinse the filth of the "other" ones. I'm kind of terrified of celery. I make that ewwie face whenever I am shopping produce and cannot find what I want in organic. Not because I am going to buy the "other" kind, but because I know there is now one more stop. It feels ridiculous but yet super healthy and when I really want what I want, I make the next stop. I haven't figured out if it's worth it yet.

Holy crap you guys, we got a new puppy. By we I mean the AH now owns a new puppy. I found her on CL and helped with the decision to get her, but he's raising this tiny bundle of hair, skin and blood. He named her Pigeon and as much as she might be dying from chemical overload right this instant, she is the cutest thing on the planet. She is a bonafide, 4 month old Australian Silky Terrier. Observe:






She is everything you could want in a dog. She's quiet, responsive, lively, fun, gentle, smart, etc. You name it, she's doing it and it rocks. It makes me think back on Tabitha's puppyhood and get all emotional and loving.

Remember the lumberjack thing? The night before I was still pretty pumped even though the forecast was serious amounts of rain. Then came the severe weather warnings. Thunderstorms and flooding until that evening. As much as I am all about the adventure, I don't care for flooding. I never really have but I am especially prone to avoidance when driving the toybox. So that was a no go. I thought about checking out the foliage this weekend but Pigeon came into our life. And there is nothing more distracting (or able to make you forget everything you have ever planned on doing in your entire lifetime) than a puppy. Especially a super tiny lively one. So now I have a pile of laundry, no pictures of foliage and some errands to complete and you know what? I'm totally cool with that. I doubt I am going to look back in 10 years and think: damn it JH, that's where you went wrong. You should have chosen the fucking laundry.

Whoa.

They updated blogger. I forget everything I was going to say because of the changes. I hate when that happens. And it happens a lot. Over it.

 Have I ever told you how much I love lumberjack competitions? Man oh man do I love them. I haven't been to one in a while and with the fall here, they're cropping up all over the place. I have already missed two due to all the dogs at Bone-a-fide and I can honestly say I'm okay with that. Mostly because this means Bone-a-fide is finally taking off like I knew it would. This festival is coming up so I am going. Not only is it right in the area I used to vacation at as a young goat, but it's going to be peak foliage at some point in the ride. I think NH will be past that point but maybe I'll catch some fiery roads in MA? Who knows. Who cares! Lumberjack competition!! One of my I'm totally doing this one day come hell or high water adventures is the World Competitions held in Hayward, WI. That would be heavenly wouldn't it? I'm even going to don a thick red and black flannel for that one. You know it! Seriously, how great does that look?! Seriously people!

 Honestly, there's not much going on. I have a creative new idea that is taking up most of my brain lately. I'll start it once I move and I think it's going to take a while. I do not want to move this thing mid project thanks anyway. This is going to be serious. It involves fish. And magnets. And swirling. If it ends up anything like it is in my head, it's going to be so awesome.

 Did I mention that I am moving again? Back to the city (kind of) and I am pretty excited about it because of how much I miss the city. I'll be on the outskirts but that's better than not there at all. It'll be a switch for the dogs and we'll miss the large backyard but at least we are moving forward you know? I'll be honest, I really enjoy moving. I like the initial purge the most. Moving heavy items sucks a little but it must be done and the freshness once done makes up for it tenfold. I can't wait to fill the place with plants and the sound of creation. Can. Not. Wait.

 Well, that about covers it. Like I said, not much going on.

No! I love it when you tell me how to do my job! Please, by all means, go on!

Just thought of another one! Most people love to see me walking all the dogs and make silly comments about it that are never original, but are always nice. Then there are the folks that know how to do it better. More often than not they are accompanied by a snarling canine who they cannot get under control. So I always take their advice with a boulder of salt. I was walking my group of ten yesterday when we passed a woman who was talking from her truck to some people on their porch. The woman on the porch points to us and makes mention of so many dogs walking so nicely while getting along so well. This causes the woman in the truck to roll her passenger side window down and behind it happens to be a dog who begins snarling and barking at us. While her dog is acting a damn fool she hails me so she can give me advice.

WIT: There's a dog park right down the street you know.

Me: Yeah! I've heard of it!

WIT: It's a really nice one!

Me: I'll be sure to check it out some time.

WIT: Just go check it out now and let all those dogs go!

Me: Uh, no, that's not really how this works, some of these dogs can't handle that setting and there are rules against more than three dogs per person. I'll be sure to check it out though. Thanks!

WIT: You'll be fine! No one is going to bother you.

Me: Um... Yeah... I'm not doing that.

WIT: (getting agitated) They all get along fine! Look at them! They'll do great!

Me: Um. No. They won't.

WIT: I just don't see why you would walk them all like that when you have a perfectly good dog park right up the street.

Me: I'm okay with it. Some of these dogs can not handle it anyway.

WIT: It makes sense to take them there! It's for dogs! I just think you're stupid to walk all those dogs like that!

Me: Yeah. Okay then... Have a great day!


Most people aren't as shitty as her, but everyone has a little piece of info that they truly believe is priceless and original. For the most part, I pretend they are all brilliant, smile big and thank them up and down. Why burst their bubble?

Your dad loves anger more than he loves you

I had to return a lunch cooler to T on Friday night so we decided to have dinner in Davis Square as well. I ended up parking my vehicle on the street, in a spot that ended at the entrance of a small parking lot. It was Friday night so as the night progressed, parking became rather limited. We had our dinner at Flatbread, the new place at the bowling alley. The reviews were right, not so bad at all. The sound of people bowling in the background added to it nicely. Once we were finished we made our way over to get the bag, but ended up chatting next to the vehicle with the back door open.

Apparently there is nothing more maddening than searching for parking on the same block over and over again and continuing to see two people yammering next to a car that is taking up a spot you are convinced should be yours. I say this because there was this one guy, with his young boy who was maybe about 7 - 8 years old falling asleep in the passenger seat, who continued to go around the block in his fancy mercedes to pull up behind us and grill us for a minute before continuing his search. It happened so much that after a bit I felt ignoring him wasn't getting us anywhere, and was inclined to give him this apologetic shoulder shrugging gesture that indicated his parking issues were not my parking issues and no, we were not going anywhere anytime soon. Move along dude, seriously. Welcome to the city.

About the fourth time around he decided he had had enough with the girls who were so obviously in his perfect parking spot and ended up entering the lot from the other direction to hurriedly place his car with his lights shining on us, at the end of the lot where technically there was no room. He then aggressively threw the mercedes into "park" got out and stormed into the bowling alley while giving us the big I hate you exhale and death stare as he went by. We made yet another elitist douche-bag comment and continued talking.

It suddenly occurred to me that the car was doing something. It then occurred to me that the car should not be doing anything and T says "Hey. Is that car moving?". It was moving. Backwards. In his state of rage, the guy must have thought he put it in park when really he had only placed it in reverse. Remember the young boy? Yup, he was still in the car. He was looking franticly at the shifter like he should do something, but considering his age he had no idea what the correct option was. I ran to the car, opened the door, jumped in, smiled big and said "HI!" while braking. Now the kid is even more frantic because let's face it, not only was he dealing with the moving car, but now there is a stranger next to him. Once he realized the car had stopped he chilled out a bit. I put the car back where it was, really put it in park and turned to him to confirm that I bet that had been super scary and inquire to his mental state. He said he was alright so I told him the car would stay still now and that he need not worry anymore and went back to T to continue our conversation. I can't imagine how that kid was feeling. First being stuck in the car with an angry adult. Because being trapped in a car with anger is always such a joy. Then having the whole car moving thing go down. I bet he was exhausted. I need a nap just thinking about it.

Out comes dad. He's still pissed off about the parking spot (seriously, let it go man) and made sure to glare at us all the way back to his car. He's just about to drive away when the car comes to a stop. The boy must have said something because the door opens and dad slowly and sheepishly gets out to hail us and of course we turn because he simply reeks of retribution. He thanks us (twice!) and for once, I couldn't even laugh, it was just to sweet. I told him, hey, it's fine. No big deal man. Everything is just fine now. I was supposed to go out after that but figured I would end the day on a high note. It was the perfect ending to the perfect evening.

Totally off subject... Is it me or does Pink have an oversized head for her body?

*BITCH FEST ALERT* I am a dog walker and this is why I hate you

I know, I know, it looks so easy. And honestly, it is... until you start adding more than four dogs. One to four? If you can walk upright and attach a leash to a collar, you've pretty much got it nailed. Four or more can get a little tricky. I personally keep my large dog total no higher than 10. I can walk as many little dogs as you want at a time. My current largest group is around 8 - 9 and that's a mix so we do pretty great... until we meet certain situations that throw us off and can honestly make me a little wild inside the brain package.

Untrimmed bushes. A hearty fuck you to all the people who let their bushes become so overgrown that they are blocking the sidewalk. A fuck you die to the people who let their thorn bushes grow out onto the sidewalk. Seriously, get out the trimmers and handle that shit. If you don't want to deal with it, hire someone else who does or move out to the country where no one cares about your overgrown weeds.

Cars parked at the very end of the driveway, blocking the sidewalk, forcing me onto the edge of a very busy road. Again, I need the sidewalk pretty badly. I have patience with the people who are parking 19 cars in a 3 car driveway. I get it. But when you are just to lazy to pull up a little because if you do you are not exiting your car to walk right into your front door, I can't stand you. This is not a pick a different route scenario because you never know when someone might do it. Makes me want to hear the glorious sound of smashed windshield.

Speaking of cars... Suddenly revving your engine next to a large group of dogs means frightened animals and a walker who now not only has to calm everyone but has to brace for the impact of some of those dogs slamming off the end of the leash when they bolt. Oh yeah, and it scares the hell out of me as well.

Something else I have noticed is how many people when passing by (usually moving in the opposite direction) will abruptly decide they want to interact with the dogs. Now I know how much I wouldn't like it if someone I didn't know got all spastic and started touching me out in public. Dogs are no different. The person will be half way past us when they will out of nowhere lean over the group and shoot their hand out towards the nearest dogs head. That particular dog more often than not will spook, causing the group to scatter and very often, I end up either tripping over a dog, kicking a dog or at the very least stepping on the foot of one who is running in front of me to get away. What the hell people? Why does that seem like a good idea? Just because dogs enjoy being petted does not mean they accept every stranger who swoops in without warning.

There are the people who see us coming, look pissy and just stay the course in the middle of the sidewalk. I'm not talking about me and the dogs owning the sidewalk while expecting everyone to walk around. I expect my dogs to be polite and whenever possible, I cross the street so we're not in the way. I'm talking about normal, everyday walking. I'm on the right, they are approaching on my left. Normal. Everyday. Until that moment where the person just stays in the middle, glares at us and decides to play a game of chicken. Bad news for them is I love chicken and I have about 5 to 6 dogs with me. Who's going to win that war? Seriously.

Ah yes, the meet and greet. Because there is nothing I would rather do than let my six dogs meet your one just to see how it goes. I especially love this when I am walking one or two large dog aggressive dogs and the person doesn't believe me when I say they won't get along with their dog and just keeps coming.

Then there is the distance meet and greet. The people who stand a distance away and call the dogs or make noises (clicking, clapping, whistling, etc.) to attract the attention of the dogs. Wow. How helpful.

And lastly we have the meet and greet involving small children which shocks me the most. People literally telling their kids to "go say hi to the doggies!". Now luckily most of the dogs involved have lived or do live with children, but there are a few that I have no idea how they would handle a small child and not only that, show discomfort when they approach.

These are just a few of every day occurrences. I try to be patient because I know most people see me coming and simply don't grasp what I am doing. But gee wiz people, come on.

Let's talk cutlery

Okay not yet. First let's discuss predetermined cookie batch yield.

MM is going away for a little while and one of his clients gave him the gift of hopscotch cookie mix. Since today is slow, boring and rainy I have decided to cook them up. I like the packaging. Very user friendly.

Every time I make cookies for something (I don't often make them for only myself), I double or triple the recipe. And most recipes say the batch will yield 2 - 3 dozen. On what fucking planet? Planet Miniature? While they are having a competition to see who can win the blue ribbon this year by making the smallest cookie ever? Or maybe all the recipes are printed up in Japan, where they excel at making the tiniest of everything. Man, when I want a cookie, I want an actual cookie. Not some pathetic thimble sized reminder of how great sugar is. What the hell cookie people?

Now cutlery. The kitchen in AZ had this knife collection that didn't match so much as it cut the hell out of whatever I wanted it to. They were kept sharp by the man of the house since I turn every sharp edged tool into a useless blunt object. Sharp enough to cut through paper just like they do on TV to show off how sharp something is. And I loved it. But I didn't know how much I loved it until I was cutting with knives that were not sharp. The ones at the pearl are often so blunt that they will crush something before cutting it. That is most awesome on things like tomatoes which have a habit of exploding. Then there are all the other knives I come into contact with. Some of them are mine from FL. They are the cheap ones that come in a set with those scissors and they all have the serrated blades. Know the ones? The serrated edge gives this false sense of get the job done and then tries to hand you a bunch of fucking food stamps, I swear. They are functional like a car with a broken gas gauge. You're pretty sure you are going to get there but there is this unpredictability involved that feels a little dangerous. And not the feel the rush this is living dangerous. More the holy crap I hope this shit doesn't snap in half and slice my wrist somehow dangerous. Or the omg why isn't this going through and why is it starting to turn to the right without my permission dangerous. It's like cutting through freshness with failure. Once I am finally settled somewhere for the long haul I am going to have some kick ass ninja knives in my kitchen. That shit is going to be so serious.

I'm going take a moment here to gush about Tab some more. I have been walking dogs during the day and I must say, walking her with them is a pleasure. She doesn't pull, doesn't fight... just walks steadily next to me and tries to be good. I was talking with the MM today about walking dogs and how there is always that one dickhead dog who ruins everything, to which he then chokes on a laugh and says "yeah, and it was always your dog! HA!" and you know, he's right. Jim has always been the biggest douchebag to walk. Always slamming off the edge of the leash or dragging behind trying to smell something all the while making absolutely sure he pisses on every single vertical object that is close enough to at least try and get over to, even if it means wrapping up all the other dogs and tripping me in the process. Walking him is and has always been a fucking nightmare. Now it just creates much less fury because he's 100 and most of the time can't help it. It's like dragging your grandpa around and getting angry when he acts like an old man, it just makes you look and feel like a grade-a asshole. So now we walk slower and happier with TabTab right there being her good little self.

Who knew?

Tabitha does this grunt/whine noise when we are approaching a destination that is familiar and liked. At times it's been compared to the sound a groaning lion would make. At first it was funny, then went on to be really intrusive and annoying. It wasn't until she started lunging back and forth from window to window while making the loud and disturbing sounds that I snapped out of it and decided it was out of control. We've gotten it to the point of just annoying, so we're going to keep working on it until it's hopefully just her trembling and breathing heavy or something.

Usually when we get close to agility class Tab acts like she's not in the car. Her eyes glaze over, she stares vacantly out the window at nothing and doesn't respond to me calling her (or any other noise for that matter) until it's time to get out of the car.

Well wasn't there a big old switch last night? As we were coming up to the driveway, I thought I heard her make a noise and just passed it off as stress panting. Then as we are pulling into the driveway she actually lets out one of her unsettling groans. No shit, when I look back in surprise aren't I met with the look of a dog who is pumped! to be there. Eyes focused, body tight and excited. No more are the days of anxiety. It's so exciting.

I don't want to make it sound like class was a whip due to this sudden switch because I'd be lying. We still mangled some of the moves entirely but the teacher was so incredibly pleased with how focused and happy Tabitha is. I'm going with the fact that it's due to switching over to toy training. She loves toys. I also think it's helping that other people are receiving her with happiness. The teacher now makes happy noises at her when she shows up and goes so far as to run over and say hello at times. She tells her how great she's done when she gets the equipment right. The other students are even starting to loosen up and smile at her and say good girl when she looks at them. Now that I think of it, I bet that was a lot of her nervousness and can you blame her? Imagine going into a room once a week with someone you know to learn something, just to have the other people ignore you or look at you uncomfortably. I was all laughs and positive but that had to have been unnerving. That would shake me the fuck up and I don't often get affected by that type of stuff. Hmm. I'm going to keep that in mind. Thanks for helping me work that one out.

One sure thing is how routine I am and it's not helping Tab at all. Bummer. Once I do something a certain way and get the correct response, it's hard for me to shake it up which is weird because in most other training I can easily shake it up. It's like the positive reinforcement of getting it down makes my brain say "the end!". Agility can't be the only area where I do this and that freaks me out a little. I like that I'm seeing this about myself so I can work on it. Routine is so boring.