LIAR!

I said I was thinking about blogging tonight but some hair dye, which is permeating my head as I blog this. It's black/brown so my hair will once again be as dark as I like it to be. Ahhh... I love it when things are how I like it. Not to mention the walk with Jim and my oh so fab Mr. F that got in the way as well. It was very enjoyable thank you. Then there is the coolest shelf ever! Oh man, this thing RULES!! But! it's not done so... Let's also discuss the trouble with contemplation shall we? Well, sometimes you end up not wanting to do the thing you were planning on doing all because you contemplated your way out of it. Ah whatever. Next blog will have pictures of the hummingbird feeders (and hopefully pictures of the tiny ones slurping away at the sweet nectar provided), possibly the coolest shelf ever (thanks to Mr. F) and all kinds of other awesome things you'll just have to hold tight for. Stay tuned gentle readers...

To be or not to be, that is the question...

I haven't been a very reliable blogger, have I? Just so you know, things are happening and everything is fine. I'm considering blogging tonight. I have been very busy shaving and washing other peoples kitties and the likes. The feeders (that's right! plural) are up and we have HUMMERS!!! There is also the coolest shelf you should know about. But you know, all good things come in time or whatever that incredibly annoying saying is that was divulged due to the fact that someone else didn't have the time to do something even though they should.

Until the next blog entry I'll leave you with a forgotten favorite. See, as a groomer I deal with some of the most neurotic pet people on the face of the planet. As much as I want to say they are also the most clever of people due to their insanity, that would be lying. Don't get me wrong here, some of them are crazy enough to be the most shrewd people I have ever met. Most are not. One of my favorite neurotic pet sayings that I had totally forgotten about usually happens when the frantic animal I am about to groom is screaming and trying to scrabble up everyone in the room or trying to dig its way through the door and the floor in a demented way. Only an animal owned by someone super neurotic could hope to produce this action and believe me, it's something to behold. When the animal reaches it's climax and things are clearly out of control and never getting any better

Side Note: Things could have gotten better. They might have gotten better had the owner simply dropped off the animal and left. The other option is to hang about while worrying in a manner that effects everything around them while freaking out and talking in a loud high pitched hyper voice all the while telling the dog that is losing it's fing mind how good it is and not to worry because mommy will be back soon! She knows her little baby who is so GOOD just loves it here at camp because at camp he gets so beautiful doesn't he? Yes he does! He does get beautiful! And everyone here loves her little baby don't they?? Yes they do!! Needless to say, this doesn't help at all and just shows the dog there is in fact some reason to have a melt down.

and the dog is now totally out of its little canine mind trying to get into our arms by boring a hole through our bodies. At this point the owner turns to me and says, "He thinks he's human".

Awesome. I'm not even sure how this fits the moment. Also, these are the times I am so glad I groom due to the humor factor but yet I'm always so bummed the person is there because if I start laughing hysterically, let's face it, I lose a client. Whoever thought of the word "professional" was undoubtedly the most grim person to ever live and I bet they couldn't get anyone to take them seriously. For a reason. Do you know how many responses you could come back with that are so appropriate but so not appropriate? I mean, when do they think they're human? When they are cleaning their crotch area with their tongue? Does everyone gather about their food dish on the floor at meal times to help this poor animals human thought process along or has it been taught to eat at the dinner table with flatware? No, seriously. I wish someone would enlighten me here.

I just want to be clear on one thing and one thing only when regarding my standpoint on dogs. They never ever think they're human. They will always believe they are dogs. Just like we never come to the assumption we are emus. If you disagree and have a valid argument, feel free to comment below and prove me wrong. But beware as you might simply end up looking a lot like the subject above eh? But don't be shy... either way, I want to hear it all.

I'm a mover and a shaker! Well... more a mover.

The deed is done. Not only did I quit the Payson jobs yesterday but I thought while I had the time, I should go ahead and pack all my belongings into my truck once more and drive them somewhere else. This means all my things are now piled about the living room/diningroom area and I get to once again find everything a place. It's a little harder this time as someone all ready lives here. I personally believe it's just easier working with a clean canvas. However, the JH will persevere and as much as there was the slight freak out last night, my head is now calm and ready for the task at hand. I have even laid claim to the guest room (aka the garage) closet and bathroom. MINE! HA! Clearly the hummingbird feeder is going on the newly shaped bonsai grapefruit tree. I left the plastic one behind as I think it looks and acts cheap. The glass is proving far easier to clean. Another will be attained. Probably now. Right now. It's blue. I recommend only glass feeders to avoid that nasty sticky never come off mess the plastic ones provide. Gross. Speaking of sticky messes, I think I am ready to make my own liquid for the feeders. I keep hearing that it is a good idea to put in food coloring to attract them. I don't know how I feel about this. Dyes are bad for you aren't they? I worry about the little guys and the possibility of the dye giving them hyper activity and attention issues. I don't want a bunch of ADD hummingbirds craving my dye laden goodies. Should I get some Ritalin to mix in and off set the power of the dye? Conflict. I think the absolute best part of this here posting is that my crap is strewn about the house and I am online debating which feeder is better while typing out my blog. I truly work better under pressure.

Side Note: Not only is that savage little hummer in Payson spared the wrath of the pellet gun but I like to think we are better kinder people due to this as well. So see? Moving helps everyone sometimes.

Moving in yesterday was tough mentally and physically but I really do believe it is worth it. This was confirmed by Mr. F who, knowing what a fragile state I was in, surprised me with a "welcome home" card and some chocolates. And remembering how gung-ho I am about starting the health kick, he got the smaller box. Am I backwards or what? I'm all excited about getting the smaller box of chocolates. Ha ha! But the card... the card is what solidified the fact that my decision making is at it's best right now. Sweet special making goodness in my eyes. Here you go... and wouldn't you agree?




I am officially a desert rat. How would you go about typing out the sound little rodents make when they are chewing? You know, the the noise... thch thch thch?? Whatever, it's not important. What's important is that you know I am making those noises right now. The people at Payson dp were bummed I was leaving but I promised to come back and visit as it's not that long of a drive and James just loves it there. Speaking of the James he has decided that when I am at my worst (putting everything into my vehicle again) he's going to stand around and look super sad. He's especially going to to that right in front of where I need to get through with heavy items. He's a professional at this point. Not cool. But now that I am calm (as calm as I get anyway, which means vibrating *slightly*) he has decided the best route is the super cute route. So, for my fellow readers I present some daily cuteness:

All righty then. Starting the new job on Monday and I am pumped. I have 4 clients lined up for my first day there! This is surprising as the last girl that groomed there fucked everyone over (clients and receptionists alike) so I am gaining the trust of everyone back. This should be no problem at all for me. I'm going to flash my award winning smile say exactly what they think they want to hear and WAH LAH! trusting malleable friends. Gaining the confidence of the upper office people is going to be cake as good old Mike has started paving that golden path to freedom for me with his rave review. Giving me a rave review has to be the easiest thing in the world. I mean, I do it all day in my head so I know what a snap it is but it's still super to have someone else believe (and profess to a future employer no less) the inward ongoing rants in ones own mind. MM #1.5!!!

I have stuff to put away, things to get, movies to return and ears to clean. I might even start painting another flower pot as I finally have all my craft stuff with me. It's going to be a full day.

Accomplishments are best met with sharp cutting objects

I am aware of how great I am. You are aware of how great I am. Nature? Not so much. Today I showed her. :) Yesterday Mr. F and I did a little yard work. He took care of all the cut the shrub into a perfect square type stuff and I took care of the 12 foot grapefruit tree that was starting to resemble scary shrubbery. It didn't even resemble a tree and were it not bearing fruit, I would have never been convinced it is what it is. Since I am always super helpful and loving this whole domestic queen deal, I told Mr. F not to worry about clean up and to leave the task for me. I mean, we were going to pick it all up right that instance but his mom came over for a spell and chatting ensued. Then, alas, we realized we had no bags to put the refuse into so we had to go and get them didn't we? This meant a "quick" trip to Lowes. All said and done we returned with the bags, a new beautiful Stromanthe sanguinea Sonder for inside the house (it was on sale for about a quarter of it's usual cost and needed help, what's a girl to do?), the pot it will be planted into and a swing for the back patio. Needless to say, it was way late by the time we were done building the swing and pick up had never happened.

I stepped out this morning to clean up, looked at the gigantic shrub that should be a tree and it transformed before my very eyes. Yes, I immediately knew what needed to be done. Clearly it needed to be turned into a small tree that resembled a bonsai grapefruit tree. After practicing smiling heartily and saying the words "don't worry, it will undoubtedly grow back!" I went to work on my Monday masterpiece. It took a while but I persevered and what do you know! There is now THE cutest little tree beside the front walkway. It greets me with the warmth and acceptance any small tree in a walkway should.

Side Note: We are redoing the backyard. It’s going to be awesome. I’m going to record and blog it start to finish. The revamp is going to be mind numbing. Ready yourselves.

Now I don't want you thinking I forget you at any point, but it never occurred to me to take any pictures yesterday, as my creative juices were not flowing quite like this morning. So you don’t get it from the very beginning 12-foot monster it was before I whacked off the top. You do however get to see the final transformation. Enjoy. I know I did.

Oh yeah, by the way… the new job is making me an offer at 4 p.m. my time today. I rule. DB can suck it. Over & Out.

Pennies are imposters but I don't fear change

I had an entire blog entry ready to go. It had things like me breaking my feeder and getting a better less breakable one and all kinds of fun stuff. I have opted not to use it as I am under the impression that I am waaaaaay better when I am spur of the moment and not in Payson. So... the new and improved entry is here and now instead of the dreary and out of style yesterday.

We spoke of Jim's incredible lung capacity and his inability to shut his mouth no? Well guess who has been introduced to the citronella collar? For those of you that haven’t the slightest clue as to what a citronella collar is let me enlighten you. It is a simple box shaped contraption that goes onto a dog collar and corrects nuisance barking (or soulful extremely loud howling in this case) by spraying a noxious citronella mist into the animals face when the throat vibrates due to making noise. Shameful, we know. The down side is that we have to use it because *someone* finds it necessary to scream their head off every time I dare to leave the house with Mr. F (not to mention dogs loathe citrus). The up side is that when I arrive back to the quiet like a mouse house my (poor tormented) dog (alone, abandoned, unwanted) is at he smells pleasantly like citronella. It seems to be doing the trick and that is a winner all around wouldn’t you say? It is important that he learns to keep his muzzle shut as we will be residing here shortly (more in a minute here, don’t rush).

This is the face tyranny produces:


Yup, I said it. It would seem Payson is a big fat dead end. As much as I am enjoying the place I am residing in and as much as the weather is untouchable, the job is not what it was advertised to be. Yes, the same exact job that brought me to Payson is the same exact thing that shall drive me out. The payoff is proving to be very different than the CL ad said it would be. Also, DB is not all that business savvy so she hired to many people and now the work is dying out. Sadly, she could easily run the place with two people. Three if you absolutely had to have a bather. But there are six… yes, six people working in this tiny little shop. There will not be enough work come winter. It doesn’t really bother me as I am so much better than both the places in this town and I am done butchering dogs just because these two chicks are lazy and bad at what they do to boot. Just because you do something for 30 years, doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing it well, now does it? I have a job interview in Scottsdale tomorrow at 11:30 and since I am aware of my brilliance and capabilities, I know it is mine if I want it. Perfect. So then there’s the fact of where I shall reside. I’m going for it and moving down to Scottsdale with Mr. Fantastic. Don’t panic, that’s my job, remember? I’m feeling very very positive about this so don’t ruin it for me and just send good vibes my way or something. Thanks. This could be it folks, you simply never know where life is going to take you. I’m done guessing and I am going to live every day to my fullest knowing everything is going to work out exactly as it should. I am so sick of being worried about everything. Screw it. Failure is not an option. Smell that? That is what a raging success smells like. Breathe deep.

So, last Saturday me and Mr. F went up to his dad’s so he could fix his bike. I am totally getting a ride on this thing when it is done. Before we got to his dad’s house/shop we stopped so I could take some pictures of the cacti. I am always totally overwhelmed with the size of these things. They’re everywhere and it makes me think of a forest. Although instead of maple and oak trees, there are cacti. Since I had Mr. F with me I had him stand in front of the barbed beasts as a size reference. When looking at the picture, keep in mind he is six feet tall. And that cactus is easily overtaken by some of the other far taller cacti. Woah huh? The pictures were taken on the road to his father’s home and all the landscape is like that. I like the area where his dad lives a lot. I like his dad a lot. Both he and Mr. F are like walking sedatives and that’s something I can jive to since I am like a walking eight ball. While all the dirty mechanical things went on in the shop I read a book outside and lazed about quite contentedly until it was time to unload his mom’s old doors into the dumpster. They wouldn’t fit and breaking the glass became a project as it proved to be the strongest glass ever. I got to shoot a 45 for the first time in my life and did a lovely job of taking out the first door. All right, all right, I admit! Lovely is the exact wrong word to use. In fact, I was so nervous and freaked out that I ended up aiming, closing my eyes, shooting, jumping from the loud boom (don’t worry Ma, I had my ears protected!!) and kickback and then freaking everyone out by keeping my finger on the trigger (bad bad bad… always take your finger off the semi automatic trigger) while trying to get it together. It never fails to surprise me at how easily I can put that washed out we’re all going to die look on people’s faces. I like to refer to it as “my job” on occasion. So now I have it stuck in my mind that I really have to learn how to shoot so I am not a total fucking loser. I’m thinking about asking them if they’ll teach me. That way, I can be less embarrassed about the loser part until I get the hang of it. And maybe I’ll even get my own gun. This was supposed to happen a while ago, so don’t hold your breath. I know I’m not. Worst case, I get practice when trash doesn’t fit in the dumpster. Or I could just suck it the hell up, buy a gun and go to a range all ready. Jeez.

I found this bad ass caterpillar at dp (dog park) and when I went to check it out all the people at dp started yelling at the same time about poison, not soft to the touch, swollen body pieces and the likes. It was weird so I took the little guy home in Tupperware for further observation where I could concentrate with people not screaming at me. I guess two of the people at dp have touched this kind of caterpillar and the little spines injected a poison into them that swelled them up and caused great discomfort for days. Wild. But you know what? This thing *looks* like it could cause harm. It’s big, colorful and screams go ahead and eat me if you want to die. I was going to build it a nice little enclosure so I could observe it further and then see what it morphs into but once at Home Depot I felt horrid about taking it’s freedom, realized I needed more tools to build his new little home and bought a new plant instead. It’s a beautiful little fern btw. At home I put my threatening friend on a branch and snapped some super pictures of him. NG style. He hung out for the rest of the night and galumphed by me in the morning hours while I drank my coffee. I am satisfied with that.

Oh the night also yielded excellent results as my painted “flower pot” is finished and my plant has been placed into it’s new home. I have two other plants that need repotting and you know what that means don’t you? More painting. A girl has to keep busy, otherwise she is prone to droning on and on about the tiniest details of her life on her blog. And we wouldn’t want that now would we?

Ladies, am I the only one that wants to draw little cute pictures or sprinkle glitter on the girly when its time for the gyn visit??

Getting things done. Kind of.

Not having internet is tough but I am hanging in there. My neighbor might be getting a job with an internet company so if I can wait we’ll be getting it for free. I can wait for free. Until then we’ll just have to blog on the weekend. I am considering blogging during the week as to keep you up to speed without having to do it all at once. You would be reading my diary! Sneaks! It’s cool, I have probably all ready read yours anyway. Or at the very least tried. I have undoubtedly rummaged through your medicine cabinet.

The key project is FINISHED! Glory be eh? It was also presented to its rightful owner and appreciated beyond what the imagination could try and conjure up. Then it was shown off to my boss who picked it up by the “lock” part of it and of course it broke. After the fact so she has no idea it happened. Yet. Who does that? Idiot. I would henceforth refer to her as “dumb bitch” but I fear offending my readers to the point they might feel discomfort and I would never want such a thing to transpire. So, instead I will use DB. Perfect. All’s well that ends well because I fixed it and it’s back to whole and clever. You know it’s posted on my flickr account. If you want to see it start to finish, just go into the set labeled “Key Project”.

Let’s all have a moment of silence please… Jeffrey the fluffy footed quick like lightening dog tooth (as in Jim’s open blood seeking maw, not the small pointed ornament repeated along a molding consisting of four petals radiating from a raised center) avoider is dead. All that was left of him when I pulled into work on Monday was a pile of feathers that blew off down the street taking with it all that is safe and good. This is the feed stores THIRD rooster in a year. The last one was carried off by a bird of prey. Unlucky place for roosters is what I say. I’m going to miss the little guy. He kept me entertained on my breaks by throwing his doomed little back into his cockadoodle doos and also by taunting James through the chain link fence.

Speaking of the James, he is now a hardened criminal. I went to check out a trailer with my coworker (she was considering renting it as her commute is about 50 minutes each way) and parked the truck with all the windows down so my little friend would have a nice refreshing breeze while he waited. Once I was gone Jim decided to do what he never does and bailed out. He did this just as Animal Control parked his criminal transporter van to have a bite to eat. The roving pit bull looking dog (sans collar) was immediately prosecuted and put into the back of said van and off they headed to doggy prison. Well, lucky me. It just so happened that he spoke with the landlord right before she showed us the trailer and she inquired if either of us knew about the medium sized black dog running free without a collar on. I just happened to know all about him. We met with the authorities as he pulled into the parking lot and got Jim back safe and sound. No charge. Awesome. The ex convict jumped out of the van, said hello to me and started off in the other direction to pee on something. How embarrassing. How James. I love that dog.

The hummingbird feeders have been bought, filled and hung. I got some of that red feeder stuff to help attract the little biddies and once they are flocking to the feeder I will put in a simple sugar water mixture. As luck would not have it, I have a super aggressive male that keeps others from feeding. He’ll even bomb dive me when I get to close. I hate this little bastard with all my heart. I put one of the feeders further away so he can only keep a close watch on one of them but he’s trying his hardest to man both of them. Oh how I loathe him. He keeps everyone at bay. He batters every single hummer that dares to come into his territory. He gives a tiny roar and assaults each and every little flying jewel with a ferocity that is impressive (and rather irksome). I was sitting outside the other morning enjoying my first cup of coffee with Mr. Fantastic watching him give his little battle cry and viciously attack everyone trying to feed and it was giving my face that sour look, so Mr. Fantastic does what he was born to do (entj personality type and all that). He immediately took control of the situation and offered up his pellet gun. Can I shoot the pellet gun? Absolutely. Can I hit my target? Decidedly so. Can I morally justify gunning down a hummingbird? This one is still sort of hanging out there at the moment. I think Mr. Fantastic can morally justify annihilating anything provided it brings my smile back so I might take him up on that. Maybe he can do it while I make coffee so I won’t have to actually witness the slaying of innocents in the name of my happiness. Comments? Suggestions?? Last words to put into that little jerks mouth?

The place I am residing in finally resembles a home! I found a couch on CL (where else?) for $40 (VALUE!!) but once we went to pick it up it became very clear that I was once again giving my truck far to much credit. It was decided that I would go back up to Payson couchless and the man of the hour (every single hour, maybe even minute) would bring it up with the help of a pick up truck it would actually fit in. Excellent. Thursday was the day my happy little apartment came together and celebrated looking like an entire home. Now I have a place my nonexistent guests can sit. Jim loves it, I love it.

Okay, so check this out. The gym behind the casino has an indoor pool. HEAVEN! How much do I love swimming to keep in shape? This svelte body will be submersed four mornings a week. Not only does swimming work out every muscle but it also provides neurotic high strung people like me a kind of watery therapy. Also, I refuse to lift anything that even resembles a weight. I am not a masochistic muscle building freak. I like the way swimming keeps your body tight but it doesn’t make anything bulge. Streamline baby, streamline. There’s more. Guess how much a gym membership is in Payson? Uh, yeah, 35 bucks. As much as I know I am not staying, I still have appreciating for things like a $35 gym membership you know?

The job. Oh, the job. I’m not sure how long I am going to last there to be honest. I worked down the street for a day and I do appreciate that place far more. Maybe I can do a switch. DB is to controlling and insecure for the likes of me. Not only that but the shop she rules with her neurotic iron fist is chaos and mess. I cannot work in chaos. I like systems and cleanliness quite frankly. Also, I have the distinct feeling I can do better. So I can. I need DB to hold up to her word (which will be discussed on Tuesday in length) or I need a change. We’ll see how it goes. I need a copy of the three rules damn it! All I remember is “maintain the other persons self esteem”. Another excellent system that I have pretty much forgotten. F. It’s cool. I’ll call Mom and everything will be recorded so the next time there is no question of what is right. Good old Mom. HI MOM!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Do you know what is taking place as I type this out? Mr. Fantastic is putting in his mothers French doors. They were arcadia doors before this. What is this guy *not* capable of?? Seriously. What? I am a true lover of French doors so I think this is a wonderful decision. Worry not blog lovers, I have gotten pictures and it will be blogged. I’m thinking a nice little slideshow. But it’s going to have to wait (which to you means the end of this paragraph) so I can get it all on film… er… yeah… no. Also, for some reason I am unable to connect to the net here so I am going to have to go all the way across the parking lot and do it all before the show. Right, you don’t know about the show, do you? After this we are going to a motorcycle show or something like that with his dad and his dad’s girl. I’m pumped. I like his dad. The chick he dates scares me a little in that I’m an unpredictable psychotic killing machine if I don’t get my way, but whatever.

The family reunion party! Ha! I almost forgot didn’t I? I guess it wasn’t a family reunion; it was a party to celebrate someone’s marriage (divorce? AH HA!) but since it was mostly family there it was referred to as such. It was phenomenal. Fun fun fun. I have never in my life seen so many couples that were truly happy with each other. And these people had been together for years. That in itself made me wonder what the hell was going on. Other than that it was a drink fest with friendly people enjoying themselves immensely. I drank in the way beginning and then pronounced myself designated driver and watched drunk people do what they do best dead sober. Totally worth every clearheaded moment, let me tell you. James took full advantage of the situation grubbing for food, socializing with the resident dog Carlos and hunting in the surrounding woods. Prescott, AZ is such a rad little town and I am psyched I finally saw it. So it ended up being worth it in many different ways.

This drive has been such an awesome experience and just when I think it can’t get any better, it does. Fortunately for you, my reliable readers, I will keep you abreast.