What's that? Speak up. I can't hear you.

I was going through my blog in search for an earlier post. By earlier I mean about a year ago. As much as it had me thinking about the garbage I turned some of my time here on earth into, it also showed me something else: I don't blog even half as much as I used to. And I really enjoy me a little blog time. So what the hell? I think it's because as much as I am alive, I simply don't have as much going on as I am used to. I sort of fell into the grind so to speak and it horrifies me because I would much rather be off on my newest adventure (turned nightmare) to be honest. And maybe I am not charging around full throttle but my brain is still as active as ever. Maybe even more so as it usually goes on overdrive when I am not actively searching out my demise. It's crazy in here. I'm going to try and get back into the things I enjoy. I don't really know what happened. It's like I came back to MA and a part of me screamed and died in the process.

What size are you?

You know it's past the point of no return when you head for the shower and someone casually says "heeeey... check you out... big date tonight?" when we all know there's no big anything tonight. Maybe if they used some kind of reward system I might kick it up a notch but I gotta be honest with you, the homeless look is comfortable enough to be a reward all in itself. So good luck with that.

I ordered these incredibly awesome t-shirts. You know what, before I go on with this let me tell you the history behind these awesome t-shirts... I need some t-shirts and I fucking hate most of the ones being offered at stores. I'm also not the type to spend more than $15 on a t-shirt so we're talking some awful graphics to choose from. If I see one more peace sign made out of hearts I'll scream. So of course I go on a massive online search for the ultimate t-shirt collection. Lo and behold I stumble across Tilteed and they're having a $10 t-shirt sale. Some of them are even $6!

Side note: I just went onto their site and we're not talking about the fucking peace sign t-shirt except to say at least it's made out of decent graphics and not some flower power hippy love bullshit.

Speaking of clothing, what the unholy hell is going on with sizes? I used to be a medium. In everything. Which ended up being a size 8 for skirts and pants. Every time, all day. All of a sudden I am all these crazy sizes and seriously you guys, I haven't changed that much. I am now a large in most but not all shirts. In fact, some of my tank tops are small because the mediums hung off me so badly. Then there are the bottoms. Riddle me this: How the F am I a size 5 small in undies when I am a size large and a half in everything else? Does not compute. Why if the ass fits do I have this giant gap up on the waist but if the waist fits I can barely get my legs through the openings? What the hell is going on out there? Now I don't often shop because of how much I loathe it and I'll be honest with you, this has just about turned me off completely. Pair this with the homeless look being comfortable and you have a recipe for disaster.

Psychotic Girl

Dear Black Keys,

How long were we apart solely due to my ignorance? To long sirs, to long. As much as you might think She's Long Gone, I assure you I am right here handing you my heart because I know you're the best thing for it. It's embarrassing really, the whole mistaken identity thing. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club? For real? I honestly have no idea where my head was at. But no more! We're together now and that's what counts! Let's cast off the past discrepancies and forge forward into the beautiful future our life has in store for us. I'll see you tomorrow morning my lovely Keys, and in no time I will be singing you on the top of my lungs.

Until then!

The menace in your fridge

I shouldn't watch the news. It always ends with me freaking the fuck out, frothing at the mouth, screaming about conspiracies and loathing that the general public allows themselves to be brainwashed with such obvious garbage. I watched the news for about 5 minutes a while back. It was about the produce we eat and how it can be covered with all kinds of stuff that is very dangerous. Pictures of "friendly" looking green leafed vegetables flashed across the screen. Wolves in sheep clothing. Suddenly I remember! I ate a cantaloup the other day! Cantaloup is the biggest offender! That's what got this non-organic horror ball rolling! I don't want to die!!

Luckily, I didn't.

I get super tired of hearing about organic this, organic that. I purchase organic grapes and apples because you can't rinse the filth of the "other" ones. I'm kind of terrified of celery. I make that ewwie face whenever I am shopping produce and cannot find what I want in organic. Not because I am going to buy the "other" kind, but because I know there is now one more stop. It feels ridiculous but yet super healthy and when I really want what I want, I make the next stop. I haven't figured out if it's worth it yet.

Holy crap you guys, we got a new puppy. By we I mean the AH now owns a new puppy. I found her on CL and helped with the decision to get her, but he's raising this tiny bundle of hair, skin and blood. He named her Pigeon and as much as she might be dying from chemical overload right this instant, she is the cutest thing on the planet. She is a bonafide, 4 month old Australian Silky Terrier. Observe:






She is everything you could want in a dog. She's quiet, responsive, lively, fun, gentle, smart, etc. You name it, she's doing it and it rocks. It makes me think back on Tabitha's puppyhood and get all emotional and loving.

Remember the lumberjack thing? The night before I was still pretty pumped even though the forecast was serious amounts of rain. Then came the severe weather warnings. Thunderstorms and flooding until that evening. As much as I am all about the adventure, I don't care for flooding. I never really have but I am especially prone to avoidance when driving the toybox. So that was a no go. I thought about checking out the foliage this weekend but Pigeon came into our life. And there is nothing more distracting (or able to make you forget everything you have ever planned on doing in your entire lifetime) than a puppy. Especially a super tiny lively one. So now I have a pile of laundry, no pictures of foliage and some errands to complete and you know what? I'm totally cool with that. I doubt I am going to look back in 10 years and think: damn it JH, that's where you went wrong. You should have chosen the fucking laundry.

Whoa.

They updated blogger. I forget everything I was going to say because of the changes. I hate when that happens. And it happens a lot. Over it.

 Have I ever told you how much I love lumberjack competitions? Man oh man do I love them. I haven't been to one in a while and with the fall here, they're cropping up all over the place. I have already missed two due to all the dogs at Bone-a-fide and I can honestly say I'm okay with that. Mostly because this means Bone-a-fide is finally taking off like I knew it would. This festival is coming up so I am going. Not only is it right in the area I used to vacation at as a young goat, but it's going to be peak foliage at some point in the ride. I think NH will be past that point but maybe I'll catch some fiery roads in MA? Who knows. Who cares! Lumberjack competition!! One of my I'm totally doing this one day come hell or high water adventures is the World Competitions held in Hayward, WI. That would be heavenly wouldn't it? I'm even going to don a thick red and black flannel for that one. You know it! Seriously, how great does that look?! Seriously people!

 Honestly, there's not much going on. I have a creative new idea that is taking up most of my brain lately. I'll start it once I move and I think it's going to take a while. I do not want to move this thing mid project thanks anyway. This is going to be serious. It involves fish. And magnets. And swirling. If it ends up anything like it is in my head, it's going to be so awesome.

 Did I mention that I am moving again? Back to the city (kind of) and I am pretty excited about it because of how much I miss the city. I'll be on the outskirts but that's better than not there at all. It'll be a switch for the dogs and we'll miss the large backyard but at least we are moving forward you know? I'll be honest, I really enjoy moving. I like the initial purge the most. Moving heavy items sucks a little but it must be done and the freshness once done makes up for it tenfold. I can't wait to fill the place with plants and the sound of creation. Can. Not. Wait.

 Well, that about covers it. Like I said, not much going on.

No! I love it when you tell me how to do my job! Please, by all means, go on!

Just thought of another one! Most people love to see me walking all the dogs and make silly comments about it that are never original, but are always nice. Then there are the folks that know how to do it better. More often than not they are accompanied by a snarling canine who they cannot get under control. So I always take their advice with a boulder of salt. I was walking my group of ten yesterday when we passed a woman who was talking from her truck to some people on their porch. The woman on the porch points to us and makes mention of so many dogs walking so nicely while getting along so well. This causes the woman in the truck to roll her passenger side window down and behind it happens to be a dog who begins snarling and barking at us. While her dog is acting a damn fool she hails me so she can give me advice.

WIT: There's a dog park right down the street you know.

Me: Yeah! I've heard of it!

WIT: It's a really nice one!

Me: I'll be sure to check it out some time.

WIT: Just go check it out now and let all those dogs go!

Me: Uh, no, that's not really how this works, some of these dogs can't handle that setting and there are rules against more than three dogs per person. I'll be sure to check it out though. Thanks!

WIT: You'll be fine! No one is going to bother you.

Me: Um... Yeah... I'm not doing that.

WIT: (getting agitated) They all get along fine! Look at them! They'll do great!

Me: Um. No. They won't.

WIT: I just don't see why you would walk them all like that when you have a perfectly good dog park right up the street.

Me: I'm okay with it. Some of these dogs can not handle it anyway.

WIT: It makes sense to take them there! It's for dogs! I just think you're stupid to walk all those dogs like that!

Me: Yeah. Okay then... Have a great day!


Most people aren't as shitty as her, but everyone has a little piece of info that they truly believe is priceless and original. For the most part, I pretend they are all brilliant, smile big and thank them up and down. Why burst their bubble?

Your dad loves anger more than he loves you

I had to return a lunch cooler to T on Friday night so we decided to have dinner in Davis Square as well. I ended up parking my vehicle on the street, in a spot that ended at the entrance of a small parking lot. It was Friday night so as the night progressed, parking became rather limited. We had our dinner at Flatbread, the new place at the bowling alley. The reviews were right, not so bad at all. The sound of people bowling in the background added to it nicely. Once we were finished we made our way over to get the bag, but ended up chatting next to the vehicle with the back door open.

Apparently there is nothing more maddening than searching for parking on the same block over and over again and continuing to see two people yammering next to a car that is taking up a spot you are convinced should be yours. I say this because there was this one guy, with his young boy who was maybe about 7 - 8 years old falling asleep in the passenger seat, who continued to go around the block in his fancy mercedes to pull up behind us and grill us for a minute before continuing his search. It happened so much that after a bit I felt ignoring him wasn't getting us anywhere, and was inclined to give him this apologetic shoulder shrugging gesture that indicated his parking issues were not my parking issues and no, we were not going anywhere anytime soon. Move along dude, seriously. Welcome to the city.

About the fourth time around he decided he had had enough with the girls who were so obviously in his perfect parking spot and ended up entering the lot from the other direction to hurriedly place his car with his lights shining on us, at the end of the lot where technically there was no room. He then aggressively threw the mercedes into "park" got out and stormed into the bowling alley while giving us the big I hate you exhale and death stare as he went by. We made yet another elitist douche-bag comment and continued talking.

It suddenly occurred to me that the car was doing something. It then occurred to me that the car should not be doing anything and T says "Hey. Is that car moving?". It was moving. Backwards. In his state of rage, the guy must have thought he put it in park when really he had only placed it in reverse. Remember the young boy? Yup, he was still in the car. He was looking franticly at the shifter like he should do something, but considering his age he had no idea what the correct option was. I ran to the car, opened the door, jumped in, smiled big and said "HI!" while braking. Now the kid is even more frantic because let's face it, not only was he dealing with the moving car, but now there is a stranger next to him. Once he realized the car had stopped he chilled out a bit. I put the car back where it was, really put it in park and turned to him to confirm that I bet that had been super scary and inquire to his mental state. He said he was alright so I told him the car would stay still now and that he need not worry anymore and went back to T to continue our conversation. I can't imagine how that kid was feeling. First being stuck in the car with an angry adult. Because being trapped in a car with anger is always such a joy. Then having the whole car moving thing go down. I bet he was exhausted. I need a nap just thinking about it.

Out comes dad. He's still pissed off about the parking spot (seriously, let it go man) and made sure to glare at us all the way back to his car. He's just about to drive away when the car comes to a stop. The boy must have said something because the door opens and dad slowly and sheepishly gets out to hail us and of course we turn because he simply reeks of retribution. He thanks us (twice!) and for once, I couldn't even laugh, it was just to sweet. I told him, hey, it's fine. No big deal man. Everything is just fine now. I was supposed to go out after that but figured I would end the day on a high note. It was the perfect ending to the perfect evening.

Totally off subject... Is it me or does Pink have an oversized head for her body?

*BITCH FEST ALERT* I am a dog walker and this is why I hate you

I know, I know, it looks so easy. And honestly, it is... until you start adding more than four dogs. One to four? If you can walk upright and attach a leash to a collar, you've pretty much got it nailed. Four or more can get a little tricky. I personally keep my large dog total no higher than 10. I can walk as many little dogs as you want at a time. My current largest group is around 8 - 9 and that's a mix so we do pretty great... until we meet certain situations that throw us off and can honestly make me a little wild inside the brain package.

Untrimmed bushes. A hearty fuck you to all the people who let their bushes become so overgrown that they are blocking the sidewalk. A fuck you die to the people who let their thorn bushes grow out onto the sidewalk. Seriously, get out the trimmers and handle that shit. If you don't want to deal with it, hire someone else who does or move out to the country where no one cares about your overgrown weeds.

Cars parked at the very end of the driveway, blocking the sidewalk, forcing me onto the edge of a very busy road. Again, I need the sidewalk pretty badly. I have patience with the people who are parking 19 cars in a 3 car driveway. I get it. But when you are just to lazy to pull up a little because if you do you are not exiting your car to walk right into your front door, I can't stand you. This is not a pick a different route scenario because you never know when someone might do it. Makes me want to hear the glorious sound of smashed windshield.

Speaking of cars... Suddenly revving your engine next to a large group of dogs means frightened animals and a walker who now not only has to calm everyone but has to brace for the impact of some of those dogs slamming off the end of the leash when they bolt. Oh yeah, and it scares the hell out of me as well.

Something else I have noticed is how many people when passing by (usually moving in the opposite direction) will abruptly decide they want to interact with the dogs. Now I know how much I wouldn't like it if someone I didn't know got all spastic and started touching me out in public. Dogs are no different. The person will be half way past us when they will out of nowhere lean over the group and shoot their hand out towards the nearest dogs head. That particular dog more often than not will spook, causing the group to scatter and very often, I end up either tripping over a dog, kicking a dog or at the very least stepping on the foot of one who is running in front of me to get away. What the hell people? Why does that seem like a good idea? Just because dogs enjoy being petted does not mean they accept every stranger who swoops in without warning.

There are the people who see us coming, look pissy and just stay the course in the middle of the sidewalk. I'm not talking about me and the dogs owning the sidewalk while expecting everyone to walk around. I expect my dogs to be polite and whenever possible, I cross the street so we're not in the way. I'm talking about normal, everyday walking. I'm on the right, they are approaching on my left. Normal. Everyday. Until that moment where the person just stays in the middle, glares at us and decides to play a game of chicken. Bad news for them is I love chicken and I have about 5 to 6 dogs with me. Who's going to win that war? Seriously.

Ah yes, the meet and greet. Because there is nothing I would rather do than let my six dogs meet your one just to see how it goes. I especially love this when I am walking one or two large dog aggressive dogs and the person doesn't believe me when I say they won't get along with their dog and just keeps coming.

Then there is the distance meet and greet. The people who stand a distance away and call the dogs or make noises (clicking, clapping, whistling, etc.) to attract the attention of the dogs. Wow. How helpful.

And lastly we have the meet and greet involving small children which shocks me the most. People literally telling their kids to "go say hi to the doggies!". Now luckily most of the dogs involved have lived or do live with children, but there are a few that I have no idea how they would handle a small child and not only that, show discomfort when they approach.

These are just a few of every day occurrences. I try to be patient because I know most people see me coming and simply don't grasp what I am doing. But gee wiz people, come on.

Let's talk cutlery

Okay not yet. First let's discuss predetermined cookie batch yield.

MM is going away for a little while and one of his clients gave him the gift of hopscotch cookie mix. Since today is slow, boring and rainy I have decided to cook them up. I like the packaging. Very user friendly.

Every time I make cookies for something (I don't often make them for only myself), I double or triple the recipe. And most recipes say the batch will yield 2 - 3 dozen. On what fucking planet? Planet Miniature? While they are having a competition to see who can win the blue ribbon this year by making the smallest cookie ever? Or maybe all the recipes are printed up in Japan, where they excel at making the tiniest of everything. Man, when I want a cookie, I want an actual cookie. Not some pathetic thimble sized reminder of how great sugar is. What the hell cookie people?

Now cutlery. The kitchen in AZ had this knife collection that didn't match so much as it cut the hell out of whatever I wanted it to. They were kept sharp by the man of the house since I turn every sharp edged tool into a useless blunt object. Sharp enough to cut through paper just like they do on TV to show off how sharp something is. And I loved it. But I didn't know how much I loved it until I was cutting with knives that were not sharp. The ones at the pearl are often so blunt that they will crush something before cutting it. That is most awesome on things like tomatoes which have a habit of exploding. Then there are all the other knives I come into contact with. Some of them are mine from FL. They are the cheap ones that come in a set with those scissors and they all have the serrated blades. Know the ones? The serrated edge gives this false sense of get the job done and then tries to hand you a bunch of fucking food stamps, I swear. They are functional like a car with a broken gas gauge. You're pretty sure you are going to get there but there is this unpredictability involved that feels a little dangerous. And not the feel the rush this is living dangerous. More the holy crap I hope this shit doesn't snap in half and slice my wrist somehow dangerous. Or the omg why isn't this going through and why is it starting to turn to the right without my permission dangerous. It's like cutting through freshness with failure. Once I am finally settled somewhere for the long haul I am going to have some kick ass ninja knives in my kitchen. That shit is going to be so serious.

I'm going take a moment here to gush about Tab some more. I have been walking dogs during the day and I must say, walking her with them is a pleasure. She doesn't pull, doesn't fight... just walks steadily next to me and tries to be good. I was talking with the MM today about walking dogs and how there is always that one dickhead dog who ruins everything, to which he then chokes on a laugh and says "yeah, and it was always your dog! HA!" and you know, he's right. Jim has always been the biggest douchebag to walk. Always slamming off the edge of the leash or dragging behind trying to smell something all the while making absolutely sure he pisses on every single vertical object that is close enough to at least try and get over to, even if it means wrapping up all the other dogs and tripping me in the process. Walking him is and has always been a fucking nightmare. Now it just creates much less fury because he's 100 and most of the time can't help it. It's like dragging your grandpa around and getting angry when he acts like an old man, it just makes you look and feel like a grade-a asshole. So now we walk slower and happier with TabTab right there being her good little self.

Who knew?

Tabitha does this grunt/whine noise when we are approaching a destination that is familiar and liked. At times it's been compared to the sound a groaning lion would make. At first it was funny, then went on to be really intrusive and annoying. It wasn't until she started lunging back and forth from window to window while making the loud and disturbing sounds that I snapped out of it and decided it was out of control. We've gotten it to the point of just annoying, so we're going to keep working on it until it's hopefully just her trembling and breathing heavy or something.

Usually when we get close to agility class Tab acts like she's not in the car. Her eyes glaze over, she stares vacantly out the window at nothing and doesn't respond to me calling her (or any other noise for that matter) until it's time to get out of the car.

Well wasn't there a big old switch last night? As we were coming up to the driveway, I thought I heard her make a noise and just passed it off as stress panting. Then as we are pulling into the driveway she actually lets out one of her unsettling groans. No shit, when I look back in surprise aren't I met with the look of a dog who is pumped! to be there. Eyes focused, body tight and excited. No more are the days of anxiety. It's so exciting.

I don't want to make it sound like class was a whip due to this sudden switch because I'd be lying. We still mangled some of the moves entirely but the teacher was so incredibly pleased with how focused and happy Tabitha is. I'm going with the fact that it's due to switching over to toy training. She loves toys. I also think it's helping that other people are receiving her with happiness. The teacher now makes happy noises at her when she shows up and goes so far as to run over and say hello at times. She tells her how great she's done when she gets the equipment right. The other students are even starting to loosen up and smile at her and say good girl when she looks at them. Now that I think of it, I bet that was a lot of her nervousness and can you blame her? Imagine going into a room once a week with someone you know to learn something, just to have the other people ignore you or look at you uncomfortably. I was all laughs and positive but that had to have been unnerving. That would shake me the fuck up and I don't often get affected by that type of stuff. Hmm. I'm going to keep that in mind. Thanks for helping me work that one out.

One sure thing is how routine I am and it's not helping Tab at all. Bummer. Once I do something a certain way and get the correct response, it's hard for me to shake it up which is weird because in most other training I can easily shake it up. It's like the positive reinforcement of getting it down makes my brain say "the end!". Agility can't be the only area where I do this and that freaks me out a little. I like that I'm seeing this about myself so I can work on it. Routine is so boring.

Git along little doggies...

We constantly make cattle related jokes at Tabitha's expense. I am prone to calling her my little Holstein. She was almost named "Bovine".







Her coloring has changed a bit over time. When she was a puppy she had only the larger dark spots with white. Then she got all the freckles underneath her hair. Now in some areas the larger spots are turning a dark brown. The brown areas were brought up in a discussion today and someone asked me what kind of cow has black, brown and white on it. I figured this would be simple enough to answer and looked up cows.

Holy crap, there sure are a lot of different kinds of cows.

You never know what the night has in store for you

Got some communication from The Prophet this evening that wasn't geared towards the common theme my sorry uselessness and instead focused on God's sorry uselessness. It was held together with a nice big helping of madness. Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds. Here's a little recap.

It all started with him needing to know if I was near a newspaper because of how "priceless" the Non Sequitor comic is because "it reveals a truth I've never seen in print before" and "it's what planet earth really is" not to mention he's "known this place was the dump for all the crap of the galaxy for some time".

Don't have today's paper?


Oh and just in case you are now really confused about what is going on, let me clarify... The truth of it is that the spirits of this world are the shit of life. The word GOD is an acronym and it stands for Gnomes Of Deceit and what they play on you is Games Of Deception.

Better? Good, cause we're not done. Stay with me here...

I'm being recommended to ask the women of my Bible study the next question which is: "Can you find out why NOW is the time the secrets are being revealed? What's special about now?"

I don't go to a Bible study anymore and it bums me out a little because I almost want to ask them, if for nothing else, to watch the expression on their faces while I plead with them to please tell me everything.

After enquiring about these "secrets" I am told to google the following words: "we are the children of concrete and steel this is the time the secrets are revealed". Don't worry, I won't make you work for it. It's a song named Type by a band called Living Colour. I couldn't even listen to the entire thing and ended up looking up the lyrics instead. It's awful. But secrets are secrets so if you'd like to do a little digging about, knock your socks off. Cause there are "lots of clues in the music".

Type by Living Colour

Stereotype
Monotype
Blood type
Are you my type?
Minimalism
Abstract expressionism
Postmodernism
Is it?

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Corporate religion
Televangahypnotism
Suffer till you die
For the sweet-bye-and-bye
Science and technology, the new mythology
Look deep inside
Empty

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Everything that goes around
Comes around

Hypothetical
Theoretical
Circumstantial evidence
Irrelevance
Don’t think twice
Just roll the dice
Pay the price
Snake eyes

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where your fate has been sealed
This is the time when your life is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Everything that goes around
Comes around...

Don't dig to hard though because after I asked what any of this had to do with my study I was told these powerful words:

Those who are meant to know will, all other's won't get it.

So if you're digging, stop. You just don't get it. Deal with it. Some of us simply aren't meant to evolve and that's that.

A little side note in case you might be wondering, Jesus is not an acronym. That was a con job. After all, that's why he disappeared for 18 years (from 12 to 30 years old). Not enough material to work with. Oh and btw Moses never made it to the promised land and Jesus died on the cross. He was forsaken by God. In fact, if you just look at it all objectively and see what happened, everyone and everything fails except for Lucifer. This whole thing is just a terrible mess.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I heart turning you to stone

I look like Medusa. Seriously. And I am into it man! It means my hair is growing, making me that much closer to mermaid hair!

I hope I don't become overly obsessed with this and become one of those old women with 900 feet of hair, but you never know right?

Chishmuly

Last night consisted of heading to the Museum of Fine Arts to see the Chihuly exhibit. Wednesday evenings are free admission from 4 until 9 p.m. and we got there around 7. It's not until I am being crushed by people that I remember how much I hate them. It's not so much the people themselves as it's what they do when in large groups. I especially enjoy me the crowding around main egresses to create this weird funnel where only one tight line can fit through. Big fan. It's astounding how clueless and rude people can be. Unless I am purposefully engulfed in a crowd stock full of drunk folk (St. Patrick's Day, NYE, etc.) I find it hard to deal with.

I went to this because there is a piece from him in the botanical gardens in Atlanta (GA) that I loved. In fact, I have pictures of it somewhere...




That thing is huge. Maybe 15'? I don't know. What I do know is how much I loved it when I saw it so when this exhibit came along I was pretty pumped about it. Now that I have seen it, I can't decide if I am super cynical and jaded to a point where I need to work on my perception. It's very possible.

I like going to exhibits for the experience so I purposefully didn't bring my camera. I personally feel there's something very unsettling about taking pictures of other people's art when it's part of a show or exhibit. I like to just kick around and take it all in for the time I am there.

I made the mistake of reading the details on each exhibit and it was pretty much over in my mind. Every exhibit has a quote from the big Chihuly himself, and I'll tell you, he sounds like the biggest arrogant prick ever. Every single quote reeks of self importance.

I'll give you an example: The Ikebana boat. Oh the fucking boat display. It's this small wooden row boat, venice style, with all these pretty glass pieces in it. I wish it had been saved for last, or I at the very least hadn't read about it, so my loathing hadn't infected my mind for the rest of the tour. I see the awesomeness and after looking up the ones actually floating about, I get it.

So basically the write up goes something like this: Chihuly decides he wants to throw his fantastic glass pieces off a bridge, into the (disgusting?) Venice water (isn't Venice known for it's disgusting water?), to see what will happen. Will they break? Will they float? What will they do?? Then he has his teenage apprentices row out to retrieve the glass pieces and bring them back to him. While he is watching one of these suckers row the pieces back he realizes just how incredible the pieces look in the boat against the wood. I'm sorry. I'm trying to see the point here, I really am. Because how many times have I been in the middle of something stupid just to be all "oooooh, that's a great idea!"? To often is the answer, but I still can't get past the ridiculousness of it all. And believe me, I'm trying.

I get it, I get it, he's famous... but seriously... he's been working on blowing glass for the past 40 fucking years and he has the best glass blowers in the world working for him. At this point, were he not creating awesome pieces, his entire life's work would be an epic fail. So to see everything placed before me was just kind of eh. It was basically beautiful pieces of glass presented in a way that you couldn't hate. At one point my mother turns to me and says, "Huh, presentation is everything" and I couldn't have said it better myself.

There was the Persian ceiling. That was kind of cool. Don't get me wrong, really spectacular colors but again, just pretty glass pieces placed all mishmash on top of a glass ceiling. It was a no fail when regarding eye-appeal. Same with the Neodymium Reeds. Really neat without the anticipated awe inspiring feel to it.

I don't know exactly what my issue was with this exhibit. I am a huge fan of glass blowing and an even bigger fan of artists that create awesome stuff. So I don't know what happened. I think the exhibit would have been so much better outside. It's like they were trying to stuff all this outdoor stuff inside and make it as impressive as they could without the actual outdoors involved. And it was striking! The textures and colors were amazing and totally worth looking at, I just wasn't moved by it like I thought I would be.

Here's what I am impressed with: The fact that they are dragging these massive glass exhibits all over the place. I would love to know how many are broken in the process. I mean, some of them must break right? They had a little video of the set up and watching the people for 3 minutes exhausted me. But they all looked psyched and it must be so incredible working for the best of the best of the best. Imagine how that looks on your resume?

The other thing I am a little impressed with is that Chihuly lost an eye or some shit. There are a bunch of different stories behind this but the MFA went with the car accident one. After reading his quotes I wouldn't be surprised if someone attempted to stab his eyes out to just make him stop now. But the whole I create awesome pieces of work while having limited vision can't be overlooked.

See what I did there?

We're going to own this!

I think I mentioned it before that I am taking agility classes with the TabTab. I'm pretty sure I was all cocky and ready to wipe the floor with our "competition". Well, it ends up that to start with we really didn't have any competition. Mostly because we were doing less competing and more melting down because Tabitha is one of the most sensitive and reactive dogs on the fucking planet. Class goes a little something like this:

Dilated pupils? Check.

Rapid shallow breathing? Check

Fearful trembling? Check

Inability to focus? Check

Refusal to take treats? Check

She's afraid of certain noises, which means no clicker. Tabitha is scared of clickers. Loud booming not okay. There is a shooting range not a mile from the place. Tabitha is afraid of gun shots. (To be fair, this is kind of my fault. 4th of July fiasco where I got to be "that owner" from there on out.) Oh, and thunder so heaven forbid it's thundering out. And it sometimes is.

She isn't food motivated. This is click and treat training. The click marks the correct behavior and the treat reinforces it. Uh, yeah...

She growls and barks at the other dogs and then will start this weird squealing when she's not allowed to go meet them. I know she's fine with other dogs, minus a ball (or frisbee ha!) being involved but the other owners are scared shitless of her. I can't really blame them since we're talking TB the Tank up against their gentle setters and Australian Shepherds. I'm working on it. I really am. It's bizarre because she often runs off leash with other dogs and is present for both the dog daycare I run and the one my mother runs. No issues. Good times at agility! Yeah!

Anyway, when you add all those things up and make them a huge part of agility class you basically end up with me walking around (with my basketcase of a dog skulking about behind me) hoping we can at least give the impressionthat we know what we are doing. It's not like she won't do what I ask her to do. She just does it all in this mopey, why is life so scary and unfair way.

You wouldn't mind, but we practice all the time and she is good. She is perfect. Until we get to agility class. Then she becomes this pitiful puddle of persecution. And of course while everyone is looking on in a confused manner, I am laughing because she's being ridiculous and I was totally convinced she'll snap out of it at some point. Sometimes I want to be embarrassed but honestly, who gives a shit? I'm at agility class and my dog is failing. I can think of far worse things to get upset about. The fact that other people are bothered in the slightest by my train wreck of a dog just doesn't compute. Whatever! I hope your dog wins! Winning is an awesome feeling! Go get em tiger!

It had been about 8 weeks with no real change and I was starting to think we should just quit. I asked the trainer to just tell me when she started questioning what the hell I was there for. Cause I was going for it man. We're going to do this shit and we're going to be awesome at some point. You know me, I would just keep going to class and thinking we are doing awesome until someone out and out tell us to please just stop it and go home, if not for us, do it for your dog. I'm optimistic x infinity about some things.

I don't know what happened, but during this last class and the one before it everything started changing. The teacher suddenly caught on and realized Tab really does enjoy training with a toy rather than treats. She also started enthusiastically greeting Tab when we first come in and cheering her on when she does something right. All of a sudden what I was saying was really true and kapow Tab is doing awesome. She's jumping jumps, running through tunnels and shoots and getting all kinds of reinforcement that she's happy about.

I just hope we can keep it up. If I can somehow get her good enough to go to a competition, I'm doing it. And you know I'll have someone videotape that shit so you can see it happen.

You got it

The amount of static I get over taking this long to blog makes me feel famous. Thanks for that.

I went to a wake today which always leaves me in a slight state of duress until I remember it's not about me. It's the possible presence of a dead body. Not okay. After getting over the fact that it's not about me, I up and went and I'm glad I did. Firstly because supporting friends is of the utmost importance. Secondly because during a one of the "what I have to say about the dead person who I loved very much" speeches something was said that pile drove itself into my brain. It was this:

"Life is to short to be spent unhappy"

Which struck me slightly ironic and kind of funny when considering where I was, even if it was to explain what the dead person would say were they to see everyone all sad. She was a super positive person and man is she so right.

If I can laugh and dance the rest of my life away, I'm going to.

just saying

Just to clarify...

There seems to be some confusion over my use of the "n" word in my last entry. I know why it would be judged as such and I'm not defending myself as much as I don't like the idea of it being taken in the wrong context. Even if every other time, they might be right.

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta by Geto Boys

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangsta-ass nigga plays his cards right
A real gangsta-ass nigga never runs his fuckin mouth
'cause real gangsta-ass niggas don't start fights
And niggas always gotta high cap
Showin' all his boys how he shot em
But real gangsta-ass niggas don't flex nuts
'cause real gangsta-ass niggas know they got em
And everythings cool in the mind of a gangsta
'cause gangsta-ass niggas think deep
Up three-sixty-five a year 24/7
'cause real gangsta ass niggas don't sleep

And all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, cocksuckin', pussy-eatin' prankstas
'cause when the fry dies down what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Feedin' the poor and hepin out wit they bills
Although I was born in jamaica
Now I'm in the us makin' deals
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
I mean one that you don't really know
Ridin' around town in a drop-top benz
Hittin' switches in my black six-fo'
Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors
Some got killed in the past
But this gangtsa here is a smart one
Started living for the lord and I'll last

Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, pussy-eatin' cocksuckin' prankstas
When the shit jumps off what the fuck you gonna do
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangta-ass nigga knows the play
Real gangsta-ass niggas get the flyest of the bitches
Ask that gangsta-ass nigga little jake
Now bitches look at gangsta-ass niggas like a stop sign
And play the role of little miss sweet
But catch the bitch all alone get the digit take her out
And then dump-hittin' the ass with the meat
'cause gangsta-ass niggas be the gang playas
And everythings quiet in the clique
A gangsta-ass nigga pulls the trigger
And his partners in the posse ain't tellin' off shit
Real gangsta-ass niggas don't talk much
All ya hear is the black from the gun blast
And real gangsta-ass niggas don't run for shit
'cause real gangsta-ass niggas can't run fast
Now when you in the free world talkin' shit do the shit
Hit the pen and let the mothafuckas shank ya
But niggas like myself kick back and peep game
'cause damn it feels good to be a gangsta

And now, a word from the president!
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Gettin voted into the white house
Everything lookin good to the people of the world
But the mafia family is my boss
So every now and then I owe a favor gettin' down
Like lettin' a big drug shipment through
And send 'em to the poor community
So we can bust you know who
So voters of the world keep supportin' me
And I promise to take you very far
Other leaders better not upset me
Or I'll send a million troops to die at war
To all you republicans, that helped me win
I sincerely like to thank you
'cause now I got the world swingin' from my nuts
And damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Big pimpin', no need for cheese

Unless you are going to put it in his mouth. Then there is a huge need for cheese.

We all know how smooth running the James is, and we all know how much the bitches love him, but I am the most proud when he's busy smashing holes in the species barrier.

Meet Lily Jean:



Now you might be thinking she looks just like every other bugged out, alien eyed little pug out there and yes, pugs might be something of an epidemic but this my friends is no ordinary pug. As we all know Jim is all about things that are out of the ordinary, so it should come as little surprise that he and Lil are best buds. They've known each other for years and she is one of two dogs who have been allowed to share shotgun and cuddle up with him during nap time. Yes, even the most gangsta ass niggas enjoy a little cuddle time. Don't act so surprised.

Jim and Lily Jean have recently been reunited after a pretty long break. Although years ago they used to walk together daily, aside from a few scattered visits, they haven't been together for any length of time. Until now. Making up for lost time is something they are both reveling in. More Lil than James as he doesn't usually go searching out attention unless there is food attached to it. Most weekdays you can find Jim and Lily curled up next to one another napping the day away.

This all became interesting they day I looked over and my heart burst out of my chest because of the overwhelming amounts of cute radiating from the cuddle fest happening beside me. Of course I started taking pictures:



That of course led to more and more pictures:






After taking these pictures I would send them to the MM as he is a huge fan of both the James and the Lil. What I didn't realize at the time was that these pictures were then being forwarded to Lily Jean's mom. Something else I didn't know is that Lil's mom is a huge fan of bully breeds. We were cleaning up in the awesome department and didn't even know until...

Story goes, Lily's mom went dog bed shopping so Lily Jean could be more comfortable when she decided to take a nap while at daycare. While picking out the exact right pug bedding she started thinking about the James. The next thing you know she's purchasing a larger bolster bed "so Jim can be more comfortable too, because he's Lily's BF". SCORE!

First a picture of Lil on her new bed. Awwww!


Next we have a picture of the James on his new bed. Sweet bed bro!


And last but not least we have a picture of the two love birds on Jim's bed.


After letting Jim settle into his new bedding, I took Tab out back and we had a long talk about how she could be more like her brother and how done I am with her inability to work the crowd. That said, we are now going to agility and with how fast she is catching on to the training, I just know we are going to wipe the floor with the rest of the agility students. More on this later...

Bewowneuw!

Yeah, no big deal, it's only a cure for cancer, whatever...

Is anyone else super freaked out by the fact that this isn't being broadcasted all over the place ? I might be overly paranoid and full of conspiracy theories but seriously, why else wouldn't this be mentioned?

I haven't laughed this hard in a while

I want to be that level headed all the time. I can't even begin to explain how wildly jealous I am. A perfectly good dead squirrel gone to waste. For shame.

ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!!

The printed brochures are here and look fantastic with their shine and promises of good things ahead and that's right! I just crowned myself Queen of Label Land and yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. I have completed and printed thirty two pages of labels! It was a wild and crazy ride but it's done and I know I am a better person because of it. I also looked up Joe Perry and Steve Tyler because let's face it folks, who better to watch after rockstar dogs than a bone-a-fide rockstar?!

Tomorrow I punch and slash my way to the victory of Queen of Clear Round Sticker Land! I am unstoppable! Every brochure will not only have a matching address label in sweet, bolded, GillSans Light but they will be held secure with a fancy clear circle sticker! I am so not fucking around! If there is anyone who wants to have a brochure off, send them my way so I can spank their pussy amateur ass and send them crying home to their mama where they belong.

Location, location, location...

I made up some brochures for Bone-a-fide Pet Services and I'll tell you, I keep patting myself on the back over how incredibly great they came out. I love them. I love putting things like this together because it lets my creative side flow like extra chocolate fudge over the vanilla ice cream mountain range. But we all know something that delicious has to be fattening and I am now entering all the cellulose causing addresses from an excel form to the correctly sized labels. All eleven hundred of them. Yow. As much as it's going to take a while, I am still super excited over the font GillSans Light in bold. Very pretty.

All these addresses and names have my head in a whirl. The names! Olga, please call us! I have always wanted to say the name Olga. I almost named Francine Olga but everyone freaked out enough to sway me and remind me how much I love the name Francine. Miss Von Iderstein, just pick up the phone! You know we're the ones for the job! The brochure makes it so obvious! Ramsey Fountain! You're just plain awesome! Beatrice! I'm so sorry but I recently decided your name is like the best name for a small white pig! I don't know if I can take you seriously, but I'm sure going to try!

What happens when you live on Lovers Lane and you have a nasty break up, or worse, a divorce? Does the name of your street bum you out every time you think about it? Enough to make you move? Hounds Ditch Lane! I love the name of that street! Every time I drive by it, I celebrate a little. What would I do to actually drive down it with purpose? Would I offer a day of free daycare? I feel like I might. Otter Rock Road? Who are we trying to kid with this one? When's the last time anyone saw an otter in this area? Seriously. Joy Lane. I'm obviously super biased but come on, how happy is that? Does Pond Road have a pond on it? How about Cordwood? What's going on there?

Are there people who base where they live on their street name? I feel like I would be that person. King Caesar Road would make me feel like I was trying to hard whereas High Street would bore me to tears or constantly make me think that I'm right... everything probably would be more fun while high. Like reading my street name. Trippy huh? I'd probably pass on Old Mill Road.

So it's pretty clear at this point that these labels are going to take way more time than they should. The first clue should be that I am blogging instead of entering the words onto the labels. The second is that I have the internet at my fingertips. Take last night for example: There I was plugging away when my latest favorite game popped into my head. In the spring I like to play What's My Favorite Tree? It's pretty easy. As the trees bloom, I choose my favorite tree and any time I see one I yell "FAVORITE TREE ALERT!". It changes about once a week. It started with the Weeping Cherry Tree. I've always been a Weeping Willow fan. And in pink! Big Weeping Willow fan UNTIL! I remembered Dogwoods come in pink! I've known this for a while but my brain was so yay weeping cherry tree! that it kind of pushed the dogwoods to the back of the line UNTIL! I saw one and everything came rushing back to me. Then last night I was admiring them online so as to take a break from all these fucking labels you have to be kidding me... needless to say I ordered one. It's going to be pretty small but I have faith and I am going to fence it off so it's not pissed on to death while loading it down with sweet nourishing food instead. It's going to be the most loved tree ever. My job is super easy considering how many problems they don't have and they are drought resistant. I love me some drought resistance! I'm even going to look up how to avoid any problems that might happen even if it's rare. Ooooo... I'm going to do that right now while pretending to enter label data!! Later!! I'm off to continue making labels! These babies aren't going to type themselves you know!

Progress is growth is progress...

The Lupine is coming along beautifully! This is exciting because these are the plants that are going along the fence at the end of the driveway facing the street. Everyone is going to know just how beautiful we really are on the outside.





The other little seeds are doing a whole bunch of nothing and I am soooo over them. I put some bulbs where they were and as much as I know you can start bulbs in the ground, these are traveling bulbs so they are going to start in the egg cartons. I planted me some Freesia bulbs and after reading about them I might just keep them. How pretty are they? Who knew? The other bulbs are Crocosmia and again with the breathtaking beauty aspect. Then there are the old pincushion flower (Scabiosa) seeds I have (hopefully) growing in a wet napkin. The wet napkin on a plate never ever fails me so I am super hopeful even if these seeds are 100 years old. All I have to do now is find me an area that receives full sun most of the day and isn't constantly being run over or pissed on by dogs.

Just look at her! Tramping herself all over town! She ought be ashamed!

I almost forgot! The Tab has this mark on the top of her inner thigh and it looks just like a heart! Who needs a trampstamp when you got nature on your side?




Oooooh, also we have some interesting birds hanging out by the shore and I took some pictures so I could identify them more easily than just remembering them.

These little fellows here




are Brant Geese. Aren't they fun with their black heads? And they're not all that big. In fact, their paranoia outweighed their size by a landslide. My type of goose.

This fun little dude



is called a Black Headed Gull and as much as he's sitting there by himself they were all over the place and loud. They also give a distinctly different call than the local gulls so listening to them was a little trippy.

Oooo that smell! Can't you smell that smell?

Irony is having allergies plug your whole face up to the point where smelling is a long lost friend until you happen past landscapers and suddenly are overcome with the aroma of fresh cut grass. I'm not complaining because I love the smell of fresh cut grass, but what the hell nose? Stop mocking me or I'll cut you off to spite my... forget it.

Things have been happening... kind of. The water bowl we keep outside for the dogs is now called The Bowl of Doom because of how many things crawl into it and drown. I lucked out and a mouse was one of its unsuspecting victims. Remember years ago when I talked about wanting to try the decomposition method some biologist dude on CL told me about? It was how to clean a skeleton off without needing to touch it or own a beetle colony. Not that I am against the beetle colony mind you, but these beetles will eat everything if they escape and need quite a bit of dead flesh to survive. I'm just not into it. I don't have enough land and dragging home roadkill does not appeal to me in the slightest. I have yet to come across a whole animal that wasn't in some way broken or way to huge to try the biologist's method on. Basically it goes like this: You need a dead animal, a tupperware container with a cover, a scoop of dirt, some water, warm weather and time. Lucky me, I have all of those. I almost blew it. As much as I enjoy my dead thing collection just as much as the next guy, the whole freshly dead animal skeeves me a little and I don't like touching them. I was about to have SR heave the unlucky little dude over the fence when my brain kicked into overdrive, got all excited and reminded me about the biologist.

I doubt the bones will be big enough to wire back together. Mouse toe bones, seriously. However, this gives me a chance to try this fun little theory. And if all goes well, I'll be the proud owner of a mouse skull complete with nasal passage bones. I know, right?! Lucky you, I took pictures...

Step one is the not so accessible dead animal. SCORE! (I frown upon killing things for the sake of an experiment)


Put a scoop of dirt into the tupperware container. I want to go on and on about how you have to disinfect it, but I think it might only be hysterical to me.


Add water and dead thing to the tupperware holding the super helpful scoop of dirt.


Put on cover, place in an area where it will be more hot than cold and simply wait.


See, there's all kinds of nasty microorganisms and bacteria (is that one in the same? Yeah, I didn't go to biology school, sorry for living) living in the dirt. Story goes, when you add the dirt to the dead thing flavored water and turn the heat up a bit, they'll rot that dead thing faster than your mom responds to an inviting smile. I'm pretty excited to see the turnout. With the rotting corpse. The mouse. Not your mom. Sorry for any confusion.

I finally got the TabTab into agility! It's in a class in the town next to mine which makes it even more exciting not to mention far more likely that I'll make it to every class on time. Well at the very least that I'll make it to every class. I needed all this stuff to join. The only thing left is the bait bag that will be at my house by the 6th which will complete the needed list of a crate (found a super light soft sided one, thank you CL!), lots of toys, 6' leash and a bait bag. She will be sporting a matching pink collar to go with her snazzy new super soft hemp leash and I am only going to use them for agility so there is no confusion of when we are "working". I'm also really into her looking fashionable and girly. I am PUMPED and I just know she's going to be awesome at this. Just to prove it in some off handed way, here's a little video I took of her at the bogs.



I also started some seeds. Well, I started some seeds poorly. For the first time in a very very long time I didn't read a thing prior to starting the seeds and just went all hey seeds, this is dirt, you guys are going to get along great, in you go! So apparently putting them in your freezer for a week prior to planting helps both of them grow fast. It also helps to start them in a wet paper towel while covering the seeds to much will not help so much. Oops. Here's to hoping right? I started the seeds in egg cartons and if everything goes as planned (not necessarily documented by professionals) they are going to be killer. The Delphinium will be lining the side of the back deck and the Lupine will be along the fence right next to the side gate. Unless of course I am confusing their sun needs and then just switch them around. Either way, they're going to look great. As of right now, they even look great at night!



And for a happy little ending in more ways than one, I leave you with before and after pictures. The after picture could be better, but you get the drift:

before


after

I think this is worth mentioning

mostly because I can't get it out of my head and need to dump it somewhere. Like in your head.

I keep seeing these very large, dark brown, weasel looking animals dead on the side of the highway. Four in the last week. Mostly up towards the Braintree/Quincy area and always headed north. When I was trying to figure out what they were, and explaining them to people, everyone kept saying "maybe it's a cat?". This evoked a curious amount of anger from me complete with a frustrated "These are not fucking cats!". After a little research I now know they are fishers. Ironically they are sometimes referred to as fisher cats. This new found information creeps me the fuck out. These things are serious. I found this fun site with video and audio which hasn't helped abate my fear in the slightest. All I keep thinking is: when considering the number of dead ones, how many live ones does that mean there are? I don't want to meet a fisher cat. They do crazy things like attack people and kill pets. Now I'm not saying a honey badger couldn't take them to pieces just because it felt the need, cause honey badger doesn't care, but I don't know how well me and the dogs would do were we to stumble across one. And the more I consider the obvious numbers of their troops and my innate need to walk aimlessly through the woods, we are bound to see at least one. I just hope I have a camera handy so I can get some super sweet pictures right before I somehow detach it from my dog and beat it to death.

Parenting 101: The Craft Store

Bring your two small children to the craft store.

Seat one in the carriage and allow the other to roam free.

Begin browsing the isles very slowly.

To start with, offer positive reinforcement every time they scream "LOOK! LOOK!" and point at anything.

Smile, talk about the objects and be super animated while telling them how smart they are, further escalating the excited screaming coming from the child in the carriage seat and the the other small child running about on the floor.

Without warning decide looking at every single little thing is annoying.

Do an about face and get really angry every time they point at something. Ignore their confusion. Use a very firm voice and get a little rough when you think no one is looking to show them that you mean it.

Try to maintain a smile.

Quicken your pace and bail out on the walking toddler whenever he gets distracted. When you can't see him anymore don't stop moving but scream to him in a panicky tone that "mommy needs help quick!" to get him back at your side.

Once he is beside you again, tell him he needs to help you by doing something kind of scary, like say hello to a total stranger.

Any time the toddler in the carriage squirms and shows impatience, get really nasty and threaten her with awful things that are going to happen after you exit the store.

Keep browsing at a painfully slow pace with no real purpose.

If anyone comes close enough, further confuse the children by pointing at something and getting them really interested in it. Promise them the idea that it could be theirs.

Make a big show of how great they are while next to said person. Be really loud and happy.

Once the person is past, immediately tear them away from it and demand they are once again quiet.

Continue the charade until both children are confused and frustrated enough to start crying loudly every time they see another person.

Start avoiding people in isles by moving quickly and erratically.

Say you have had enough and move towards the check out line and try to calm both children down with empty promises.

Bring up the Easter Bunny.

Once in the check out line act like the kids are suddenly going to stay quiet. Make a baffled face at everyone when they start crying loudly and then begin to apologize profusely.

Overdo the apologies until the apologizing is as annoying at the crying children.

Tell children over and over in a super loud voice what a huge embarrassment they are.

Continue screaming at the walking toddler about needing help whenever he heads for the doors that lead to the parking lot and whisper things into the ear of the carriage bound child while squeezing her arm.

Reject any and all help offered by anyone and just keep a hopeless smile on your face that radiates how incredulous you are that your children could ever act this way.

Even though your stuff is paid for and bagged, refuse to leave the store until both screaming children say thank you to the nice store personnel.

Once in the parking lot, talk about the next store you simply must go to and promise them it won't take long.

Reason number 8,675,437 of why I prefer my dog

Some people try to convince me that you can do all the same stuff I do with dogs, with kids. Uh uh, wrong-o. After so many times of dragging them across the country, it's frowned upon. As much as the tiny, agreeable stage is probably very like a dog (minus the vehicle seating and most of the clothing), they do that whole growing up thing and start having their own opinions. I'm not really into opinions when I am hellbent on "figuring things out" and if I want an opinion, I'll call a friend. I also can't remember the last time me and my dog had the "I'm my own person and I hate you now" discussion. Isn't that why we cherish our dogs so much? It's the whole put your wife and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour, when you open it up, which one is happy to see you thing. So true. And imagine Tabitha coming downstairs to me mentioning that the skirt she is wearing is way to short because I can see her girl bits? Seeing her girl bits are perfectly acceptable! She can throw that shit all over the place and I will always be totally cool with it. I even get all squishy inside when she goes spread eagle for someone (man or woman, whatever) to rub her belly. Anyway, I would really be wondering where she found my old skirt.

So yeah, kids are just like dogs? This just makes me want to get knocked up, and when the baby comes, treat it like I do my dogs. When everyone freaked out and got all frantic and what the hell are you doing I'd be able to say the big told you so. Because everyone loves an I told you so. And I am so fucking right on this one subject. Dogs. I'm pretty good at it.

While out at breakfast this morning I was bet $50 that I wouldn't stick a fork in someone's face and I didn't do it. To many factors. Am I slipping or growing up? Aren't factors adult or something? Is this what regret feels like? Eh, over it.

Speaking of which...

I have been seeing a lot of dogs with double nipples lately. Wouldn't it be cool if it signified something like two headed babies? Wait, would that be cool? I feel like it might backfire since people like the freshest and newest when it comes to dogs even if it's at the expense of the dogs. Hmm. Okay fine, I take it back. I would rather it meant the dog had special powers. As in the able to run a steam cleaner power, or the able to shoot lasers out of it's mouth power. I bet there would be a lot less people breeding or a lot more clean rugs.

CUT! Take 2

I have been slacking on sunrise lately but when I do make it (like this morning) I always stop at my favorite cult coffee shop before the show. They are always super polite and I get a little conversation going on but the other morning I was finally able to breach their walls and had a little convo with the old dude. We discussed the cold and how beautiful the morning is regardless and he even graced me with one of his glazed over, super calm cult smiles. I feel like this is a small success. I am going to get a tour of their home while acting like I'm considering joining them so they go all full throttle on me. It's going to be awesome. I have to get my list of questions together. Thing is, I doubt they'd take me. I'd want my own room, don't like sharing or taking orders, not to mention I come with two dogs. As much as these people are at a frightening level in my mind, I love how well rounded their kids are and I really dig their home made pastries. I really feel like I am cult material sometimes. It all just sounds so... simple.

Speaking of frightening even if it is more for me than anyone else, it has been proven the pearl can't handle patriotism on a very basic level. I always believed the "if a flag hits the ground you have to burn it" story until the recent going ons that forced me to look it up due to my pukey amounts of panic that kept building. The first situation was me coming home to a dog dragging a flag around the house. As if hitting the floor wasn't bad enough. No no, dog paw prints, dirt and drool all over it is so much better, let me tell you. I packed the flag up and promised to burn it as soon as I could find some alone time because I just don't see the benefit of making a spectacle out of burning a flag. Well, unless of course it could be made into a flag burning ho-down right? Who's with me!? A couple days go by and my mother is suddenly asking me if I know where the flagpole is. Like the flagpole isn't that 15' metal pole next to our house with a flag waving off the top and instead something that we can easily misplace, like car keys or TV remote. I don't know what's up with me and my blatant disregard for "wind" and how my mind makes it a total nonevent unless it comes attached to the title of hurricane or tornado. Maybe monsoon. No. I just tried to muster up something in regards to monsoon and I wasn't able. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we somehow lost the fucking flagpole. It snapped and went... somewhere... during one of these super windy days we had. I was envisioning it smashing out my neighbors window which is right on the other side of the fence and having to be all wow, weird, i've never seen that flagpole before in my life, no that's not ours but hey sucks to be you and thanks for checking in, but we lucked out and it somehow flew over our fence and ironically enough landed next to the trash barrels with the second fucking flag of the week on the ground. Horror! Once the next flag was ripped off the pole I went on a massive internet search in hopes that I wouldn't have to have a flag burning and as it turns out, I thankfully don't have to. I'm not going to mention the condition of our flags and how they're not going back up onto anything so in all actuality I might have to burn them. I was thinking very late at night when the tide is going out and go for the good old fashioned viking funeral. I mean talk about "proper form of disposal" right? I just don't want to be all burning more than one flag in my backyard like it's no big thing. Shit like that never goes well for me no matter how cool I try to play it off.

I love hair conditioner and I just found out it works better when you towel dry your hair to slightly damp before applying it. I know, I know... mid-shower towel drying but whatever, do it, you'll see. Less flyaway is the goal here people. I have also fallen in love with hair conditioner because it's awesome for shaving cream. I'm not kidding and I don't remember how or why I figured that out, but highly recommended I'm never using anything else ever the end.

I really wish I could remember what the hell else was on that blog post but it's not happening. It's cool though cause honey badger doesn't care.