Parenting 101: The Craft Store

Bring your two small children to the craft store.

Seat one in the carriage and allow the other to roam free.

Begin browsing the isles very slowly.

To start with, offer positive reinforcement every time they scream "LOOK! LOOK!" and point at anything.

Smile, talk about the objects and be super animated while telling them how smart they are, further escalating the excited screaming coming from the child in the carriage seat and the the other small child running about on the floor.

Without warning decide looking at every single little thing is annoying.

Do an about face and get really angry every time they point at something. Ignore their confusion. Use a very firm voice and get a little rough when you think no one is looking to show them that you mean it.

Try to maintain a smile.

Quicken your pace and bail out on the walking toddler whenever he gets distracted. When you can't see him anymore don't stop moving but scream to him in a panicky tone that "mommy needs help quick!" to get him back at your side.

Once he is beside you again, tell him he needs to help you by doing something kind of scary, like say hello to a total stranger.

Any time the toddler in the carriage squirms and shows impatience, get really nasty and threaten her with awful things that are going to happen after you exit the store.

Keep browsing at a painfully slow pace with no real purpose.

If anyone comes close enough, further confuse the children by pointing at something and getting them really interested in it. Promise them the idea that it could be theirs.

Make a big show of how great they are while next to said person. Be really loud and happy.

Once the person is past, immediately tear them away from it and demand they are once again quiet.

Continue the charade until both children are confused and frustrated enough to start crying loudly every time they see another person.

Start avoiding people in isles by moving quickly and erratically.

Say you have had enough and move towards the check out line and try to calm both children down with empty promises.

Bring up the Easter Bunny.

Once in the check out line act like the kids are suddenly going to stay quiet. Make a baffled face at everyone when they start crying loudly and then begin to apologize profusely.

Overdo the apologies until the apologizing is as annoying at the crying children.

Tell children over and over in a super loud voice what a huge embarrassment they are.

Continue screaming at the walking toddler about needing help whenever he heads for the doors that lead to the parking lot and whisper things into the ear of the carriage bound child while squeezing her arm.

Reject any and all help offered by anyone and just keep a hopeless smile on your face that radiates how incredulous you are that your children could ever act this way.

Even though your stuff is paid for and bagged, refuse to leave the store until both screaming children say thank you to the nice store personnel.

Once in the parking lot, talk about the next store you simply must go to and promise them it won't take long.