Frosty the Freak Man

I know I run the risk of sounding like a big huge cranky pants with this hot on the heels of my church frenzy, but I like to live on the edge and take chances. Also, I am having my monthly healthy functioning female session which always tips the madness scale. That being said, a huge cranky pants really isn't that far off the mark. You just kick back and enjoy yourself while I froth at the mouth and long for a good solid piece of mahogany or oak that would look so much better on the adjacent wall.

I usually try to avoid watching television and if you know me, you have a good idea why. I simply can't handle television (and some movies and the occasional radio commercial or show). It sends me into fits unless it's some kind of fictional braincrack show. The television has been on a lot lately as it's getting cold and that makes people wander in it's direction. I usually happen to be hanging out in the living room doing who knows what when the screen begins it's kill Joy's brain death glow and of course I am immediately sucked right in. My ferret brain will always be drawn to shiny/flashing things. I also have the tendency to give myself way to much credit in this one area and be all oh stop it and just grow up, you can totally handle it this time. This is one of the reasons you won't find a working television in my home when I live alone. ha.

The Christmas holiday commercials are starting up and once again they are making me really unsettled. There is nothing typical when regarding any of this shit. The subliminal messages that come with Christmas overwhelm me. I cannot believe we go so far as to deceive our children with it. I stay as far away from shopping centers and even try to drive as little as possible because people go completely mental with the idea that if they move faster and more aggressively, they'll get more done instead of putting the rest of us off and look like a complete a-hole. But it's an infection that you can't just wrap up and go to wrestling anyway. Wrapping up psychosis is simply not a reality. Just ask the patients in Ward D. Here at the Pearl we have signed off the Christmas fever. I am fully willing to admit it's probably because we can barely handle the every day dementia up in here and the idea of a scheduled meeting brings us to our knees. We stopped giving gifts a couple of years ago after my bro went a little nutshit about the process and we bought it hook line and sinker. We now have what is essentially a toned down Thanksgiving. This year everyone was talking about what to do and I jumped in with "I'll get the cake" and of course I got the why a cake look so I told them it was going to read "Happy Birthday Jesus!" on it. Oh the looks! Oh the judgement! Which if you think about it, that's a mind fuck and a half. But I'm really going for it and I am getting at this place in Brookline which makes the most awesome cake you could imagine. I'd get him a gift certificate for Target or something but I have no idea what his address is. Maybe I should still get it for him and then help him spend it? Ha.

I remember being a small child who was completely horrified of the idea of Santa Clause. To me he was just some fat strange guy who dressed in a bizarre red suit and wanted to meet little boys and girls and have them sit on his lap (while his industrious 24 hour sweat shop full of little hostages was run by his enabling and equally captive wife). Then after creeping them all year and learning their habits he stealthily entered their homes to treat them accordingly. No seriously, that's some fucked up shit. Now every other day of the year that is a stranger danger stalker pedophile doing a B&E. I would always enquire how he gets into the house and when we lived in an apartment I pulled a total nutter because we didn't have a chimney and some adult guessed out loud that he had a master key to the building. You know how everyone thinks it's so cute that the kids look all tired from waiting up for Santa all night hoping to catch him? Yeah, my mother never thought it was cute with me because she knew I stayed up out of pure terror. You should see the one picture they have of me and santa in the same picture. Santa is a little red speck behind me sobbing hysterically in someone's arms. And you know what? I don't look back and go all my goodness I really should have pulled it together. I was right. Christmas is no less bizarre than that sick fuck who collects kids teeth and gets away with it by giving them money like we all have a price and they know it. Sick sick sick. I don't care what anyone says, I was way ahead of my time and all I needed was a little less holiday fear and a little more sedatives. So really, not much has changed.

Oh hey. Speaking of horrid (or totally and irrevocably awesome) filming, have you seen The Room? It's a mind bending fabulous catastrophe. Like the best car accident you have ever witnessed because there is no looking away no matter how many heads roll out of the carnage. You don't have to believe me on this one, but you could give it a try and after that, never question things like this again.

Like a weekly kick start... right in the teeth

By the end of the week I'm right where I need to be and I am feeling good about shit and lately I then go to church and leave confused and all kinds of angry about the double standards and contradictions. And if I ask questions, I get these empty answers backed by a big peaceful smile which is supposed to remind me of how important faith is. I'm not saying I don't have faith, I'm saying I have questions. A lot of them. So far I have it's okay for God to do things but if you do, you're a super lousy person taking advantage of free will, unlike Jesus but COME ON like if he said he'd go ahead and pass on saving man kind and just ran around fucking hot chicks and drinking he wouldn't legitimately be THE biggest a-hole on the fucking planet. Ever. Biggest a-hole on the planet EVER. Is there anyone who would refuse that? And once you take on the job, isn't temptation pretty easy to overcome? YOU ARE SAVING MAN KIND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOCUS! Yeah, I don't know. Just saying.

Did I tell you about the time my mom was feeling bad for a friend who has "lost his way" because he does some weird chanting thing in some temple or whatever? And she jokes about "tell him not to drink the punch ha ha ha" and then we go through the front door of the church and that was communion day? I of course was all "hey, you want to talk about ironic?" (while being sad that I miscounted the days and was present for the whole thing damn it) and she was shocked and a little upset that I made a punch joke on communion day. I don't partake in communion. It makes me think about cannibalism and that freaks me out. I don't want to drink blood or eat flesh. I just don't.

The good news is that I am not living in my own place right now so having someone find me moving all the furniture around while crying my eyes out and screaming about being a bad person is something I can avoid. But then what do I do with all this pent up frustration? I need to find a place I suppose, but until then I am just going to sit around and feel rancid until I convince myself that feeling rancid is silly. Oh, I am also going to keep reading my letting go book because that is one sweet feel good book. I'm starting to think I should avoid church not only on communion day but also while I am having my rag. I don't want to be a bad person, I really don't. And I don't know how to go about that while going to church. I really don't. Then again, I know that the Bible constantly goes on about, don't worry so much just believe and prosper. Now I have pretty much laughed my life away without a care in the world all the while knowing I am a good person. Interesting how now that I am hanging with a bunch of diehard Christians I'm not only anxiety ridden about the future but also concerned for the state of my soul and not so convinced I am a good person. What the hell is going on here? Omg, to have some furniture to move around. You have no idea.

She'll be a pro in no time!!

I had to run up to Boston to pick up signs and decided to bring Tabitha with me while leaving The James behind. I was sure to try to subdue the guilt of abandoning Jimmy by proclaiming that Tab was coming along mostly because "she needs more experience". Next thing you know I change lanes, hit a massive pothole, blow out my tire and that leads to us standing on the side of the dark and very noisy highway and then riding home in a tow truck.

How's that for life experience?

The hair of the dog...

Today was a pretty awesome day. Just busy enough that I kept moving but it didn't have that laced with hysteria feel that Saturday's often bring. I also remembered to take before and after pictures. I keep wanting to start a little portfolio of the dogs I do so people can see my work. This isn't the best haircut and he was a tough one to get a good shot of, but the difference is radical enough that I thought it worth it.

BEFORE:



AFTER:

Back to me.

I was visiting with the MF last night and my dating site issues came up in conversation. Being someone who takes advantage of online dating, he got super curious and wanted to see my profile. Ever the cooperative soul, I reactivated my account. The good news is, I do a great job of representing myself from one male perspective. The bad news is now that the profile is back up, I have to leave it up for a week. I thought of a way to make this good news for everyone:

I don't know how to do a search to find my profile and I'm not going to give everyone my account name and password. It's not that I don't trust you, I just don't trust you. Heh. If you want to try and find me, my profile name is ohrats9 (figures right?) and it's the site okcupid. Go from there. If you dare. Besides, it would be fun for me to know how I am perceived online by a couple different people. I love shit like this. Finally, something that makes me curious enough to put myself out there. How exciting.

SIDE NOTE: It was brought to my attention that reading the questions and knowing me makes it hard to decipher how one who didn't know me would take the answers into account. So if you know someone who I don't know and they want to read my profile and then meet me to see how much it matches me, I am totally in. As long as they are the brutally honest type. I'm not saying try to find me a date here, quite the contrary. I'm looking at this from a totally scientific standpoint.

Decision making at its best... or worst. Whatever.

Here at the Pearl we as a group pride ourselves on our incredible ability to avoid making decisions or doing anything that will help someone else make a decision that can somehow come back to haunt us. Unless of course it's by way of saying something like, "what could possibly go wrong?" and we sum that up to support and optimism. I can tell you from personal experience that not many people have the balls to throw that type of shit back in your face which is pretty sweet. Anyway, we are masters of never getting locked into anything to serious. We'd much rather bury ourselves in things that don't get us anywhere and cannot be controlled or mastered. Due to this incredibly well oiled yet fragmented machine we stay out of quite a bit of trouble and you really can't beat that. Yesterday, the machine went in for a tune up or lost some gears or something and we had to make a decision based upon someone else's total unreliability. Man, that one got us. You put our need to keep an arms length distance up against someone else being even less consistent and BOOM we are now the proud owners of Raina the Rottweiler. I'm not saying she isn't one of the coolest dogs ever, because she is and everything is going to work out fine because if it wasn't, we never would have taken her but jeez louise, who sees things like this coming?



Did I get that one right? Have I misrepresented myself?

As a defensive maneuver, I would like to point out that as individuals we can handle just about anything you throw at us and we are super reliable. Okay, most of us. Fine, half. But that half is like so there it actually makes up for the other half and somehow even keeps them smelling like a summer breeze. A summer breeze right after it rained. But the reliable half totally brought in the clothes outside on the line so nothing got ruined and it just smells like a summer breeze after the rain, not summer breeze after the rain with a splash of disappointment. Wait, is that the definition of enabling? Okay, the reliable half totally advised the other half to get the clothing without getting it themselves, so it's a summer breeze after the rain with a splash of dependability and a sprinkling of encouragement on top of positive reinforcement. Because we all had ice cream to celebrate the clothes staying dry, while waiting for the storm to pass. Well, to be honest, we probably would have had the ice cream regardless. Ice cream is good man!