By the end of the week I'm right where I need to be and I am feeling good about shit and lately I then go to church and leave confused and all kinds of angry about the double standards and contradictions. And if I ask questions, I get these empty answers backed by a big peaceful smile which is supposed to remind me of how important faith is. I'm not saying I don't have faith, I'm saying I have questions. A lot of them. So far I have it's okay for God to do things but if you do, you're a super lousy person taking advantage of free will, unlike Jesus but COME ON like if he said he'd go ahead and pass on saving man kind and just ran around fucking hot chicks and drinking he wouldn't legitimately be THE biggest a-hole on the fucking planet. Ever. Biggest a-hole on the planet EVER. Is there anyone who would refuse that? And once you take on the job, isn't temptation pretty easy to overcome? YOU ARE SAVING MAN KIND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! FOCUS! Yeah, I don't know. Just saying.
Did I tell you about the time my mom was feeling bad for a friend who has "lost his way" because he does some weird chanting thing in some temple or whatever? And she jokes about "tell him not to drink the punch ha ha ha" and then we go through the front door of the church and that was communion day? I of course was all "hey, you want to talk about ironic?" (while being sad that I miscounted the days and was present for the whole thing damn it) and she was shocked and a little upset that I made a punch joke on communion day. I don't partake in communion. It makes me think about cannibalism and that freaks me out. I don't want to drink blood or eat flesh. I just don't.
The good news is that I am not living in my own place right now so having someone find me moving all the furniture around while crying my eyes out and screaming about being a bad person is something I can avoid. But then what do I do with all this pent up frustration? I need to find a place I suppose, but until then I am just going to sit around and feel rancid until I convince myself that feeling rancid is silly. Oh, I am also going to keep reading my letting go book because that is one sweet feel good book. I'm starting to think I should avoid church not only on communion day but also while I am having my rag. I don't want to be a bad person, I really don't. And I don't know how to go about that while going to church. I really don't. Then again, I know that the Bible constantly goes on about, don't worry so much just believe and prosper. Now I have pretty much laughed my life away without a care in the world all the while knowing I am a good person. Interesting how now that I am hanging with a bunch of diehard Christians I'm not only anxiety ridden about the future but also concerned for the state of my soul and not so convinced I am a good person. What the hell is going on here? Omg, to have some furniture to move around. You have no idea.
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3 comments:
can you not just find a different church, where you have people who will answer the questions and not leave you feeling down?
I wish. I have been asking these questions since I was about 10. It always comes down to faith. Every time, every church, every pastor.
If I ask people who don't have enough faith, I actually sway their opinion and make them question their own faith! haaaa! If I ask someone who is strong in their faith, they always end up saying the same fucking thing and it comes down to cause I gotta have faith fuhfaith fuhfaith! BABY!
Heres your answer: -Your future is bright.
-You are a wonderful person with a mind that sees thing very beautiful that most people dont.
-Your sense of risk and adventure is one of your best qualities.
-No matter what position YOU are in in YOUR life, you still find the time to be kind and reach out to others.
Never forget who #1 is. (Hint: It begins with a J and ends with an A).
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