Let's talk cutlery

Okay not yet. First let's discuss predetermined cookie batch yield.

MM is going away for a little while and one of his clients gave him the gift of hopscotch cookie mix. Since today is slow, boring and rainy I have decided to cook them up. I like the packaging. Very user friendly.

Every time I make cookies for something (I don't often make them for only myself), I double or triple the recipe. And most recipes say the batch will yield 2 - 3 dozen. On what fucking planet? Planet Miniature? While they are having a competition to see who can win the blue ribbon this year by making the smallest cookie ever? Or maybe all the recipes are printed up in Japan, where they excel at making the tiniest of everything. Man, when I want a cookie, I want an actual cookie. Not some pathetic thimble sized reminder of how great sugar is. What the hell cookie people?

Now cutlery. The kitchen in AZ had this knife collection that didn't match so much as it cut the hell out of whatever I wanted it to. They were kept sharp by the man of the house since I turn every sharp edged tool into a useless blunt object. Sharp enough to cut through paper just like they do on TV to show off how sharp something is. And I loved it. But I didn't know how much I loved it until I was cutting with knives that were not sharp. The ones at the pearl are often so blunt that they will crush something before cutting it. That is most awesome on things like tomatoes which have a habit of exploding. Then there are all the other knives I come into contact with. Some of them are mine from FL. They are the cheap ones that come in a set with those scissors and they all have the serrated blades. Know the ones? The serrated edge gives this false sense of get the job done and then tries to hand you a bunch of fucking food stamps, I swear. They are functional like a car with a broken gas gauge. You're pretty sure you are going to get there but there is this unpredictability involved that feels a little dangerous. And not the feel the rush this is living dangerous. More the holy crap I hope this shit doesn't snap in half and slice my wrist somehow dangerous. Or the omg why isn't this going through and why is it starting to turn to the right without my permission dangerous. It's like cutting through freshness with failure. Once I am finally settled somewhere for the long haul I am going to have some kick ass ninja knives in my kitchen. That shit is going to be so serious.

I'm going take a moment here to gush about Tab some more. I have been walking dogs during the day and I must say, walking her with them is a pleasure. She doesn't pull, doesn't fight... just walks steadily next to me and tries to be good. I was talking with the MM today about walking dogs and how there is always that one dickhead dog who ruins everything, to which he then chokes on a laugh and says "yeah, and it was always your dog! HA!" and you know, he's right. Jim has always been the biggest douchebag to walk. Always slamming off the edge of the leash or dragging behind trying to smell something all the while making absolutely sure he pisses on every single vertical object that is close enough to at least try and get over to, even if it means wrapping up all the other dogs and tripping me in the process. Walking him is and has always been a fucking nightmare. Now it just creates much less fury because he's 100 and most of the time can't help it. It's like dragging your grandpa around and getting angry when he acts like an old man, it just makes you look and feel like a grade-a asshole. So now we walk slower and happier with TabTab right there being her good little self.

Who knew?

Tabitha does this grunt/whine noise when we are approaching a destination that is familiar and liked. At times it's been compared to the sound a groaning lion would make. At first it was funny, then went on to be really intrusive and annoying. It wasn't until she started lunging back and forth from window to window while making the loud and disturbing sounds that I snapped out of it and decided it was out of control. We've gotten it to the point of just annoying, so we're going to keep working on it until it's hopefully just her trembling and breathing heavy or something.

Usually when we get close to agility class Tab acts like she's not in the car. Her eyes glaze over, she stares vacantly out the window at nothing and doesn't respond to me calling her (or any other noise for that matter) until it's time to get out of the car.

Well wasn't there a big old switch last night? As we were coming up to the driveway, I thought I heard her make a noise and just passed it off as stress panting. Then as we are pulling into the driveway she actually lets out one of her unsettling groans. No shit, when I look back in surprise aren't I met with the look of a dog who is pumped! to be there. Eyes focused, body tight and excited. No more are the days of anxiety. It's so exciting.

I don't want to make it sound like class was a whip due to this sudden switch because I'd be lying. We still mangled some of the moves entirely but the teacher was so incredibly pleased with how focused and happy Tabitha is. I'm going with the fact that it's due to switching over to toy training. She loves toys. I also think it's helping that other people are receiving her with happiness. The teacher now makes happy noises at her when she shows up and goes so far as to run over and say hello at times. She tells her how great she's done when she gets the equipment right. The other students are even starting to loosen up and smile at her and say good girl when she looks at them. Now that I think of it, I bet that was a lot of her nervousness and can you blame her? Imagine going into a room once a week with someone you know to learn something, just to have the other people ignore you or look at you uncomfortably. I was all laughs and positive but that had to have been unnerving. That would shake me the fuck up and I don't often get affected by that type of stuff. Hmm. I'm going to keep that in mind. Thanks for helping me work that one out.

One sure thing is how routine I am and it's not helping Tab at all. Bummer. Once I do something a certain way and get the correct response, it's hard for me to shake it up which is weird because in most other training I can easily shake it up. It's like the positive reinforcement of getting it down makes my brain say "the end!". Agility can't be the only area where I do this and that freaks me out a little. I like that I'm seeing this about myself so I can work on it. Routine is so boring.

Git along little doggies...

We constantly make cattle related jokes at Tabitha's expense. I am prone to calling her my little Holstein. She was almost named "Bovine".







Her coloring has changed a bit over time. When she was a puppy she had only the larger dark spots with white. Then she got all the freckles underneath her hair. Now in some areas the larger spots are turning a dark brown. The brown areas were brought up in a discussion today and someone asked me what kind of cow has black, brown and white on it. I figured this would be simple enough to answer and looked up cows.

Holy crap, there sure are a lot of different kinds of cows.

You never know what the night has in store for you

Got some communication from The Prophet this evening that wasn't geared towards the common theme my sorry uselessness and instead focused on God's sorry uselessness. It was held together with a nice big helping of madness. Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds. Here's a little recap.

It all started with him needing to know if I was near a newspaper because of how "priceless" the Non Sequitor comic is because "it reveals a truth I've never seen in print before" and "it's what planet earth really is" not to mention he's "known this place was the dump for all the crap of the galaxy for some time".

Don't have today's paper?


Oh and just in case you are now really confused about what is going on, let me clarify... The truth of it is that the spirits of this world are the shit of life. The word GOD is an acronym and it stands for Gnomes Of Deceit and what they play on you is Games Of Deception.

Better? Good, cause we're not done. Stay with me here...

I'm being recommended to ask the women of my Bible study the next question which is: "Can you find out why NOW is the time the secrets are being revealed? What's special about now?"

I don't go to a Bible study anymore and it bums me out a little because I almost want to ask them, if for nothing else, to watch the expression on their faces while I plead with them to please tell me everything.

After enquiring about these "secrets" I am told to google the following words: "we are the children of concrete and steel this is the time the secrets are revealed". Don't worry, I won't make you work for it. It's a song named Type by a band called Living Colour. I couldn't even listen to the entire thing and ended up looking up the lyrics instead. It's awful. But secrets are secrets so if you'd like to do a little digging about, knock your socks off. Cause there are "lots of clues in the music".

Type by Living Colour

Stereotype
Monotype
Blood type
Are you my type?
Minimalism
Abstract expressionism
Postmodernism
Is it?

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Corporate religion
Televangahypnotism
Suffer till you die
For the sweet-bye-and-bye
Science and technology, the new mythology
Look deep inside
Empty

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Everything that goes around
Comes around

Hypothetical
Theoretical
Circumstantial evidence
Irrelevance
Don’t think twice
Just roll the dice
Pay the price
Snake eyes

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where the truth is concealed
This is the time when the lie is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

We are the children of concrete and steel
This is the place where your fate has been sealed
This is the time when your life is revealed
Everything is possible, but nothing is real

Everything that goes around
Comes around...

Don't dig to hard though because after I asked what any of this had to do with my study I was told these powerful words:

Those who are meant to know will, all other's won't get it.

So if you're digging, stop. You just don't get it. Deal with it. Some of us simply aren't meant to evolve and that's that.

A little side note in case you might be wondering, Jesus is not an acronym. That was a con job. After all, that's why he disappeared for 18 years (from 12 to 30 years old). Not enough material to work with. Oh and btw Moses never made it to the promised land and Jesus died on the cross. He was forsaken by God. In fact, if you just look at it all objectively and see what happened, everyone and everything fails except for Lucifer. This whole thing is just a terrible mess.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I heart turning you to stone

I look like Medusa. Seriously. And I am into it man! It means my hair is growing, making me that much closer to mermaid hair!

I hope I don't become overly obsessed with this and become one of those old women with 900 feet of hair, but you never know right?

Chishmuly

Last night consisted of heading to the Museum of Fine Arts to see the Chihuly exhibit. Wednesday evenings are free admission from 4 until 9 p.m. and we got there around 7. It's not until I am being crushed by people that I remember how much I hate them. It's not so much the people themselves as it's what they do when in large groups. I especially enjoy me the crowding around main egresses to create this weird funnel where only one tight line can fit through. Big fan. It's astounding how clueless and rude people can be. Unless I am purposefully engulfed in a crowd stock full of drunk folk (St. Patrick's Day, NYE, etc.) I find it hard to deal with.

I went to this because there is a piece from him in the botanical gardens in Atlanta (GA) that I loved. In fact, I have pictures of it somewhere...




That thing is huge. Maybe 15'? I don't know. What I do know is how much I loved it when I saw it so when this exhibit came along I was pretty pumped about it. Now that I have seen it, I can't decide if I am super cynical and jaded to a point where I need to work on my perception. It's very possible.

I like going to exhibits for the experience so I purposefully didn't bring my camera. I personally feel there's something very unsettling about taking pictures of other people's art when it's part of a show or exhibit. I like to just kick around and take it all in for the time I am there.

I made the mistake of reading the details on each exhibit and it was pretty much over in my mind. Every exhibit has a quote from the big Chihuly himself, and I'll tell you, he sounds like the biggest arrogant prick ever. Every single quote reeks of self importance.

I'll give you an example: The Ikebana boat. Oh the fucking boat display. It's this small wooden row boat, venice style, with all these pretty glass pieces in it. I wish it had been saved for last, or I at the very least hadn't read about it, so my loathing hadn't infected my mind for the rest of the tour. I see the awesomeness and after looking up the ones actually floating about, I get it.

So basically the write up goes something like this: Chihuly decides he wants to throw his fantastic glass pieces off a bridge, into the (disgusting?) Venice water (isn't Venice known for it's disgusting water?), to see what will happen. Will they break? Will they float? What will they do?? Then he has his teenage apprentices row out to retrieve the glass pieces and bring them back to him. While he is watching one of these suckers row the pieces back he realizes just how incredible the pieces look in the boat against the wood. I'm sorry. I'm trying to see the point here, I really am. Because how many times have I been in the middle of something stupid just to be all "oooooh, that's a great idea!"? To often is the answer, but I still can't get past the ridiculousness of it all. And believe me, I'm trying.

I get it, I get it, he's famous... but seriously... he's been working on blowing glass for the past 40 fucking years and he has the best glass blowers in the world working for him. At this point, were he not creating awesome pieces, his entire life's work would be an epic fail. So to see everything placed before me was just kind of eh. It was basically beautiful pieces of glass presented in a way that you couldn't hate. At one point my mother turns to me and says, "Huh, presentation is everything" and I couldn't have said it better myself.

There was the Persian ceiling. That was kind of cool. Don't get me wrong, really spectacular colors but again, just pretty glass pieces placed all mishmash on top of a glass ceiling. It was a no fail when regarding eye-appeal. Same with the Neodymium Reeds. Really neat without the anticipated awe inspiring feel to it.

I don't know exactly what my issue was with this exhibit. I am a huge fan of glass blowing and an even bigger fan of artists that create awesome stuff. So I don't know what happened. I think the exhibit would have been so much better outside. It's like they were trying to stuff all this outdoor stuff inside and make it as impressive as they could without the actual outdoors involved. And it was striking! The textures and colors were amazing and totally worth looking at, I just wasn't moved by it like I thought I would be.

Here's what I am impressed with: The fact that they are dragging these massive glass exhibits all over the place. I would love to know how many are broken in the process. I mean, some of them must break right? They had a little video of the set up and watching the people for 3 minutes exhausted me. But they all looked psyched and it must be so incredible working for the best of the best of the best. Imagine how that looks on your resume?

The other thing I am a little impressed with is that Chihuly lost an eye or some shit. There are a bunch of different stories behind this but the MFA went with the car accident one. After reading his quotes I wouldn't be surprised if someone attempted to stab his eyes out to just make him stop now. But the whole I create awesome pieces of work while having limited vision can't be overlooked.

See what I did there?

We're going to own this!

I think I mentioned it before that I am taking agility classes with the TabTab. I'm pretty sure I was all cocky and ready to wipe the floor with our "competition". Well, it ends up that to start with we really didn't have any competition. Mostly because we were doing less competing and more melting down because Tabitha is one of the most sensitive and reactive dogs on the fucking planet. Class goes a little something like this:

Dilated pupils? Check.

Rapid shallow breathing? Check

Fearful trembling? Check

Inability to focus? Check

Refusal to take treats? Check

She's afraid of certain noises, which means no clicker. Tabitha is scared of clickers. Loud booming not okay. There is a shooting range not a mile from the place. Tabitha is afraid of gun shots. (To be fair, this is kind of my fault. 4th of July fiasco where I got to be "that owner" from there on out.) Oh, and thunder so heaven forbid it's thundering out. And it sometimes is.

She isn't food motivated. This is click and treat training. The click marks the correct behavior and the treat reinforces it. Uh, yeah...

She growls and barks at the other dogs and then will start this weird squealing when she's not allowed to go meet them. I know she's fine with other dogs, minus a ball (or frisbee ha!) being involved but the other owners are scared shitless of her. I can't really blame them since we're talking TB the Tank up against their gentle setters and Australian Shepherds. I'm working on it. I really am. It's bizarre because she often runs off leash with other dogs and is present for both the dog daycare I run and the one my mother runs. No issues. Good times at agility! Yeah!

Anyway, when you add all those things up and make them a huge part of agility class you basically end up with me walking around (with my basketcase of a dog skulking about behind me) hoping we can at least give the impressionthat we know what we are doing. It's not like she won't do what I ask her to do. She just does it all in this mopey, why is life so scary and unfair way.

You wouldn't mind, but we practice all the time and she is good. She is perfect. Until we get to agility class. Then she becomes this pitiful puddle of persecution. And of course while everyone is looking on in a confused manner, I am laughing because she's being ridiculous and I was totally convinced she'll snap out of it at some point. Sometimes I want to be embarrassed but honestly, who gives a shit? I'm at agility class and my dog is failing. I can think of far worse things to get upset about. The fact that other people are bothered in the slightest by my train wreck of a dog just doesn't compute. Whatever! I hope your dog wins! Winning is an awesome feeling! Go get em tiger!

It had been about 8 weeks with no real change and I was starting to think we should just quit. I asked the trainer to just tell me when she started questioning what the hell I was there for. Cause I was going for it man. We're going to do this shit and we're going to be awesome at some point. You know me, I would just keep going to class and thinking we are doing awesome until someone out and out tell us to please just stop it and go home, if not for us, do it for your dog. I'm optimistic x infinity about some things.

I don't know what happened, but during this last class and the one before it everything started changing. The teacher suddenly caught on and realized Tab really does enjoy training with a toy rather than treats. She also started enthusiastically greeting Tab when we first come in and cheering her on when she does something right. All of a sudden what I was saying was really true and kapow Tab is doing awesome. She's jumping jumps, running through tunnels and shoots and getting all kinds of reinforcement that she's happy about.

I just hope we can keep it up. If I can somehow get her good enough to go to a competition, I'm doing it. And you know I'll have someone videotape that shit so you can see it happen.

You got it

The amount of static I get over taking this long to blog makes me feel famous. Thanks for that.

I went to a wake today which always leaves me in a slight state of duress until I remember it's not about me. It's the possible presence of a dead body. Not okay. After getting over the fact that it's not about me, I up and went and I'm glad I did. Firstly because supporting friends is of the utmost importance. Secondly because during a one of the "what I have to say about the dead person who I loved very much" speeches something was said that pile drove itself into my brain. It was this:

"Life is to short to be spent unhappy"

Which struck me slightly ironic and kind of funny when considering where I was, even if it was to explain what the dead person would say were they to see everyone all sad. She was a super positive person and man is she so right.

If I can laugh and dance the rest of my life away, I'm going to.