Left face! Forward... Oh, wait... I mean, Halt! Just a second here. Why left again? Left can't be as right as right. Right?

I'm not even trying to keep up with me anymore. It's a pity anyone who is. Although the trip to CA is still on. That much I am certain of. But that's about it really.

Story goes, we're back on the KY track. For residence. Again. Just the other night I enquired to Mr. F, whatever happened to the KY plan? He told me it's because I didn't want to deal with the bugs. My response? "And you believed me?!" I was then met with a look that was 50% disbelief and 50% of what closely resembled horror. As my memory has it, we then returned to the land of scorpions and rattlesnakes. KY has things like ticks and chiggers. I can run insect poison which attacks at a neurological level through my dogs veins for the likes of this. For one thing, they don't kill you. Bug repellent keeps them away for crying out loud. Also, ever heard of rushing anything to the emergency room for a dose of antivenin after they were bit by a fucking chigger? No? A tick? Seriously people! And please don't get all huffy about lyme disease. Just don't. You think you know.

I'm excited about moving to KY. The town we are going to only has two groomers. The first does a decent job but brutalizes the dogs. The second is nice to the dogs but has a habit of cutting them by mistake. One was super glued back together without the owners knowledge. Once the deep wound was infected and inspected they realized how bad it really was. Skin graft bad. So this is my grooming competition. There is no boarding competition. I am going to own this show.

I have the day off and nothing better to do:

Reasons I Hate Phoenix in by the JH

Do keep in mind, the brutal summer months triggered this seething hatred...

Abnormal Bug Exposure:

You'd assume the unforgiving landscape would keep bugs at bay. Quite the contrary. It means bugs on a huge scale wherever there is water (read: wherever there are people). If you so much as let a hose drip they come out of the cement. I'm not kidding. I washed one of my grooming dogs outside once. The infestation was terrifying. Mammoth roaches and crickets poured forth like a plague. When I ran into the building panic stricken and explained myself it was brushed off with oh right, it's from the water. No, I'm sorry, not right. How about fucking gross?

Roaches - The other day I was about to take a shower. Then I saw it, and it me. "It" was a roach no less than three inches long just hanging from the shower curtain saying things like, "Come on in! The water's great!". Mr. F put him the toilet for me and admired my cheers of victory while it did the death spiral. Now I'm from NE, where roaches are considered dirty, filthy, loathsome creatures that must be stopped. Here they are just par for the course. Mr. F's mom's BFF look surprised and asked me if I never had them come up my fucking drain while I was brushing my teeth or washing my face. I bought Drano by the case after that. Die mother fuckers.

Crickets - There are crickets here in numbers that make me think of scary science fiction movies. If you walk across our tiny lawn at night, the ground moves with them. If I leave anything that even resembles dog shit out there, they inspect it for nutritional purposes and eat it with gusto if it proves to be the searched for fecal matter. I watched one fat boy laboriously squeeze it's body under the back door and into the house. They chew through the walls. They climb the walls and it is not unusual to see them 12' up by the ceiling. What are they looking for? The thrill of heights? I was in the kitchen the other night and heard one land in Jim's water bowl. Satisfied it was going to drown, I thought nothing else of it. Then it leapt out of the water bowl and moved towards the food bowl. Tabitha often leaves a few pieces of food for a midnight snack. This cricket went into her bowl and heaved a whole piece of kibble (larger in size than the cricket mind you) over the edge and then managed to get it under the stove before I had the time to get over what I saw and summon Tabitha to catch and eat it. I love her very much for this practice as I once went to catch one and put it outside (this was during the I have a soft heart for live creatures and I'm not into killing things that come into the house mentality which has since been replaced with the everything must die mentality) but was warned about their habit of biting. Sorry? I grew up catching crickets in my hands. I was never bitten. What is this cruel place which spawns vicious crickets?

Sow Bugs - These are little bugs that resemble Pill Bugs (Roly Poly!) but don't roll up when disturbed. I feel like I have been robbed. While searching for these little guys I found out that they will eat live vegetation. I am not so quick to blame Tabitha when half a plant is gone overnight.

Scorpions - This one should seem obvious but for some unknown reason, preparedness is tough for the likes of me. It might be denial. In the city, you simply don't see them, so for the longest time I wasn't at all worried. Then we were taking our evening walk when I caught myself looking at a mark on the sidewalk under Tab that was shaped like a small scorpion. The "mark" then scuttled away. In Mr. C's house you can usually find the flattened ones he killed the night before (so as not to have them under his covers when he sleeps!) but hasn't dispose of yet. He finds them using a black light. If you bring a black light into the desert, they say you will probably never go out there again for camping and the likes as you will see just how many are out there. I want to try this before it's cold. The search, not the camping. Shake your shoes out in the morning my ass.

Feral Cats - Now I realize this is not a bug, but once the sun is down, cats run about like rats in Boston. To begin with, I was surprised that I never saw rats running around this city. I haven't seen one yet. Then I was out in the parking lot one night very late and the number of cats roaming about answered that question. I want to contact Menino about the cat issue here and start a "trap & release" program. Trap them and fix them here and then release them in Boston and watch the rat population dwindle. The feral cat issue here is huge. I found this little tidbit of information once Mutter and her kittens were introduced. All shelters and rescues are full. The only helpful method offered is trap and release (though I am willing to believe Wisconsin's "shoot & kill" method is probably more efficient) but when you approach the people who offer assistance with this, there is a waiting list for the traps and it's a long, long list. I'm not exactly bothered by the cats, but I thought it worth a mention.

Rattlesnakes - Again, not a bug. Sort of speaks for itself. When we go up to Mr. C's house I am sick with worry if the dogs leave my sight for a nanosecond and my ears strain for anything rattle like as his home is bordered by a National Forest. This land is thick with them come the warm weather. He sees them around his house on occasion. No big deal. Or so he says. Everyone assures me they do everything they can to avoid you by rattling their little shakers (Mr. F replicates this noise incredibly well, and even leans in to make it more ominous) as soon as you approach. Unless they're sleeping and you surprise them. Or they don't hear you coming. Or you are an overly curious dog who hasn't the slightest clue what the rattling means. (I finally saw a dog which was bit by a rattle snake. It was not pretty.) Or they are under what you are stepping over. Or you trip and suddenly, mistakenly fall by them. I would like to take this time to point out that rattling something while remaining still is not the same thing as avoidance. They can strike the length of their body. They can regulate the amount of venom they use when striking. It takes days to renew so they use as little as they can when striking humans as they cannot ingest us. As Mr. F once said, you wouldn't use all your bullets up scaring something away when you needed them to hunt your dinner. Rattlesnakes are interesting, I'll give them that. Though now that I live amongst them, they are a lot less interesting and more frightening. Arizona has 13 species of rattlesnakes and they are as follows:

Massasauga
Mohave Rattlesnake
Prairie Rattlesnake
Sidewinder
Speckled Rattlesnake
Twin Spotted Rattle Snake
Tiger Rattlesnake
Ridge-Nosed Rattlesnake
Western Diamond-backed Rattlesnake
Black-tailed Rattlesnake
Arizona Black Rattlesnake
Western Rattlesnake
Rock Rattlesnake


Unnecessary Heat Exposure:

I now fully understand what my mom meant when she said, "You can't do anything about the heat". Of course I pshawed her fully to begin with. Oh dearest mother, have you never heard of AC? Swimming? Sun tanning? Small amounts of clothing?

When it's 115 degrees out the swimming and sun tanning option is there but only in a mocking way. Pool water becomes bath water and any other water which might offer relief has absolutely no shade offered around it. This is the first time I have seen people swimming in long sleeved shirts so as not to be burned to a crisp. AC is the only respite which means you must stay indoors until it is the evening but even then it can be in the high 90's. Going outside before the evening for prolonged periods can and will result in death no matter how much water you bring with you. If you wear to little clothing, you will be burned in no time. To much and you heat up much to fast. Every year the news cracks and egg and cooks it on the sidewalk.

Your car becomes an unbearable oven. The AC when first turned on is a blast furnace. The steering wheel and shifter can easily burn your hands. I won't even mention what happens to your thighs if you venture into your car wearing shorts and forget to lie a towel over leather seats. The heat is so intense, it actually melts your dashboard leaving a foggy residue on your windshield and drying out the plastic until it cracks. Mr. F and Mr. C have taken the temperature inside a closed car and it read 189 in the sun and 140 in the shade.

I now know why the shopping plazas are so incredibly big and why most people drink heavily. What else is there to do in the summer months while stuck indoors? As I rarely drink enough to numb the pain and I'm not into shopping, I have taken to having extreme mood swings, chewing on my hands, pacing about complaining and generally being a neurotic mess. I think the thing that has bothered me the most is being kept from enjoying walking in the great outdoors with my dogs. I love the outdoors. It calms me. You can only imagine what I'm like when I have been inside for months. It's an ugly picture.

Community - There is none. Nothing is walking distance. I have walked to return some movie rentals and it took me 2 hours round trip. Driving is the method of any type of travel. I should be fair, I walk three blocks to the Milk Depot which is a drive through convenience store. It's ironic, but I refuse to drive three blocks if it is nice enough to walk. I am used to walking everywhere, or at least having the option to do so. I am used to being an overly active person and the outdoors is missed greatly.

It's all about big corporations and franchises. There aren't many mom and pop establishments. This means when I want something, I must enter some massive superstore and deal with throngs of people. I have become an online shopping prodigy, so it's not so bad eh?

That's all for hating. Maybe next time I'll list the things I love.