Hello brethren

Today was a nice change from last night. We'll go in order. I haven't unpacked my huge suitcase with all my clothes due the weight and just carry about 5 outfits in a smaller bag. Last night I was eating a chicken. You know the little guys you can buy all rotisseried up at the supermarket? I love those guys and I don't even waste time with a fork, I just tear them apart with my bare hands and feel like a carnivore. Hot. Anyway, I am eating one of those, considering that I should do laundry soon. I have been here more than a week. You do the smelly dirty clothing math. Just as I was considering this the chicken somehow dislodges itself from my hand and I am suddenly covered with chicken. Meat, juices, the works. It was disgusting. So now I have a chicken smelling pile of dirty clothes. Then, I was lying in bed watching TV (which I don't normally do so it's a special little treat that will end once I am out of here) when I decided I was thirsty. I raised the glass to my mouth and once again my hand went all down syndrome on me and I smashed the glass off of my front teeth, dumping juice water all over me, the bed and Tab. Once that was cleaned up I noticed my tooth felt odd. I chipped a little chunk off the bottom left of my upper right front tooth. Not hot. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning at 7:45 a.m.. Yeah, that's a reasonable time to have my mouth worked on. Assholes. I'm hoping they can not only clean my teeth and fix this new chip but also do something with the alarming sized holes in the back of my upper front teeth. I am terrified of dentists so I am going to see if they can say soothing things to me so I don't make a run for it in the waiting room like I normally do. Hence the not worked on scary holes. I can only last about 10 minutes and then I am running for the door. Ridiculous? Yes. Shameful? Maybe. I wouldn't know since shame and I broke up when she ran off with pride a while back. Also, hello? Who the hell only has issues with their two top front teeth. Seriously. It's just insulting.

Oooo... Here's a fun little story. I was out in the field the other night throwing the rubber chicken around for Tabitha and letting Jim stretch his legs while we waited for my dad to finish his "spot of tea" and head our way. Now the field is not lit up by anything at night so if you stand in a shaded area, no one can see you from the street. I happened to be in one of those shaded areas kicking stuff around to help Jim "hunt" while tossing the chicken when I see who I swear is my dad. Same height and weight, same ambling walk, same silhouette, same everything. Realizing he can't see us from there and fearing he'd pass by us and head to the now empty efficiency I screamed out, "WE'RE OVER HERE!". The form visibly startled, froze and starting looking around in an alarmed fashion so after a pause I then scream, "I'M IN HERE THROWING THE CHICKEN AROUND AND THEN I AM GOING BACK TO THE ROOM TO HAVE SOME CHICKEN! YOU CAN JOIN ME IF YOU WANT TO!". Again, the visible startle this time with added panicky peering in my direction and then he turns around and hurriedly heads back from where he came from. I think that's weird but I wondered if maybe he forgot the coffee he said he would bring over or something like that. I gather the dogs up and head back to the room to wait for his return. About 20 or so minutes later I'm wondering where he is so I text him asking him if that was him that I just yelled to from the field? He doesn't know what I am talking about but promises to see me in a minute. Once he's present I tell him what transpired. He pauses, looks at me and says, "This is a good example of why you are thrown out of places. There is some poor guy at home right now wondering what the hell just happened, who the crazy bitch throwing the poor chicken around is and whether he should change his nightly routine to avoid having that experience again or simply call the police and let them deal with it".

Okay to throw about fields


NOT okay to throw about fields


This afternoon, after some (rather successful) shell searching and chicken throwing I got a little bored and thought I would try to find some alligators and hopefully see the smallest post office in the world. Alligator Alley seemed my best bet for the alligators and I know the smallest post office is on route 41 which runs under Alligator Alley and I can do this nice big loop and head on home. Perfect. There were alligators EVERYWHERE! Seriously. Two small issues with Alligator Alley:

1.) The speed limit is 70. Everyone is driving at least 10 - 20 miles over that. Minimum. Pulling over and jumping out of the car was risky and I hate coming to a complete stop from 80 mph.

2.) The fence. Oh the fucking fence! You have to be shitting me! It's this massive 10 foot chain link fence with barbed wire at the top. There is no getting a decent picture of an alligator with a 10 foot fence in the way.

Since I usually research the places I am going to prior to getting there, I know that route 41 doesn't have said fence. So how bullshit am I that I didn't just take 41 to begin with? Not that bullshit, because the day was stellar and the music was good, but you get the drift. Also, to get to 41, you have to cut down route 25 and that has the promise of panther crossing. No, I didn't see a panther but I was enthusiastic and hopeful with camera ready and eyes peeled and unblinking.

Route 41 is alligator heaven. Just a guardrail and alligators. Perfect. Well, prefect until you get out of the car. Every time I stopped and jumped out of the car to take a picture of a monster gator across the little river, I noticed another one on my side of the road next to the guard rail. I tried, I really did. There is something about a 7 foot gator that no amount of trying can get your brain to cooperate damn it. I was in and out of the car about 900 times before I noticed the bridge with alligators all around it. HA HA! Beat that stupid nature! The JH is once again victorious! These dudes are seriously huge and ominous. I wish I had something for size reference but throwing things at them didn't seem like the best of ideas... For the most part they just lie there looking dead. I moved towards one of the larger more unconscious looking ones and he slowly and calmly opened his eye and just looked at me as if to say, "just a little closer would be perfect!" and I beat a hasty retreat. They just don't care. They don't care that you are there. How creepy is that? I mean shit man, a bear would rather leave than deal with our crap. To have something just sit there while you approach it gives me the heebies. Phone reception was a no go. An alligator attack with me making a tourniquet and then calling for help is categorized as not super super awful but to be avoided at all costs. On the flip side, an alligator attack with me making a tourniquet and then hoping for the best and bleeding to death because no one can see me from the road IS super super awful and to be avoided at all costs. I can only hope, were that to happen, I would have it in me to video tape the whole rancid ordeal. Wouldn't that be something?

Here are my safe on the bridge alligator pictures for your viewing enjoyment:










I have a video of them as well, but I cannot for the life of me remember how to convert it from fucking AVI so you'll just have to go with the still version.

As for the smallest post office in the world... I never even noticed it. Just typing that makes me all kinds of contrite because of the way it seeps irony all over the screen. I had been driving for hours staring in awe at the wildlife. Did I mention the birds? If I lived in FL I would be an avid bird watcher. The birds are wondrous! So while searching for the alligators and cheering at the birds I drove right past the post office... Maybe next time.