Just let it go already...

I was talking to a friend about some of my most recent life experiences and she starts really losing it over a book about letting go. She was so excited and animated while explaining the book that I caught the fever and ordered it up. It just got into fear and regrets which caused me to have a think tank moment and I seriously don't have regrets. It's a realization that always surprises me because I have done some seriously shitty things and had some very absurd moments (which probably, no definitely could have been avoided by just backing up a bit and looking at the big picture), but they have never put me into regret mode. I can't imagine looking back and regretting something, because with the way I work, I would have to regret it right from the very beginning. And I can't think of one single circumstance that I started knowing it would end up in a horrible fashion nor have I even begun something with malicious intent in mind. It's more my style to close my eyes and jump in after gaining some speed, and the crush of hitting cement freaks me out and hurts like hell but man, for a moment there, I really was flying and it was awesome while it happened. Is it the permanently rose colored glasses that stay plastered to my face? I know those keep me on a ship long after everyone has evacuated and it has sunk. And I know I can be very sticky about some subjects, going over it again and again, pulling it apart even after the pieces are microscopic and no one wants to talk about it anymore, but I don't think that is regret. Is it? Someone asked me the other day if I regretted the last couple experiences I have had and as much as they still bring me unbearable saddness, I don't regret them for a second. Countless wonderful things along with an abundance of knowledge came out of those same incidents. I can't even wrap my head around labeling any part of it regretful. Look at where I have been, what I have done and everyone I have met along the way. When I consider the immense good that came out of the bad, it blows me away and makes me warm with overflowing amounts of gratitude to have been present for even a fraction of those moments. Sure I bitched a bit and lost my way here and there along with made some seriously huge fucking mistakes but fuck it, I did it, it happened. And yeah, I had my little basketcase freakout sessions but eventually I figured out that crying over the spilled milk does not unspill the milk. I am psyched with who I am today, what I hold sacred and what my character amounts to. If I regret it now, I regret it then and where does that piece of me go? Who knows where anything is going to take us really? The future and what it holds is more imagination than anything else. To pretend I could have guessed this exact outcome is laughable at best. Isn't that what life is all about? Isn't it about giving fully and enjoying everything possible that you are surrounded by without smothering it with expectations? Sure, it's tough and sure I suck really bad at it sometimes but I forgive me for that as fast as I can. Otherwise my sadness might turn into regret or guilt and beating myself up is not something I plan to start doing any time soon.
Regret seems more like beating yourself up for the past, which means you are fighting something which left the room. Just you swinging around in an empty ring. Why would I do that? So yeah, I am lousy at letting go. Who isn't? Who doesn't clutch the moments they savored the most that are lost forever? So am I lousy at letting go or am I not understanding the process of grieving? We all know how much I fucking hate processes so this would make a certain amount of sense wouldn't it? I don't know. I do know I'll beat a horse long after it died and was put underground. It's one of the biggest complaints I get and it is often confused for negativity but I know I just like to dissect things to see if there was something I missed. Why do I constantly feel like I am missing something? Oh, good one. Am I missing something or am I just refusing to see things like other people want me to see it or am I making it into something I want to see to avoid the truth of the matter? Maybe both. Maybe none. Maybe I am talking the wrong people or maybe I should talk about things less and that would be almost impossible for me. Hmm. Maybe I am just spending to much time psychoanalyzing myself and just need to chill the fuck out and be happy I don't have any regrets. Ha.